For those looking to relive childhood humiliation, Colleen Finn has the perfect opportunity. Her Portland Co-Ed Adult Dodgeball league is gearing up for its third season--but, due to its wild success, is still looking for a gym large enough to accommodate all 250-plus players. The season starts in mid-February or March, depending on what facility the Portland Parks department comes up with, but registration begins later this month. $40 gets you a season of play, your team shirt, and a post-season blowout. You can register as an individual or as a team--that is, if you think you can handle established teams like the Flame Rollers or Balls Models. SM
NW Dodgeball, email@example.com, $40, 21 and over
Naturally, winter is a great time for tuning up your tennis skills (sign up for cheap classes at www.pcc.edu), but what about the lesser-known net sports? Volleyball is the sweaty-ass answer to your indoor sport prayers! Not only is it a great way to meet people, but nothing feels better than spiking the ball so far down an opposing player's throat, it pops out the other end covered in entrails. More experienced players looking for a team should email their name, phone number, height, and playing experience to firstname.lastname@example.org, while amateurs can hit www.parks.ci.portland.or.us to find a local drop-in game. However, if you have a moral objection to spiking a ball so hard it leaves the Wilson brand name on your opponent's forehead, you may want to check into Badminton. But don't think for a second this is a sport for hanky-carrying dandies! The regular players in this night league can whack their shuttlecocks at a burning 200 mph--which is also fast enough to remove entrails, but doesn't hurt as much as a volleyball. Drop in up to twice a week at the Fernwood Middle School for a taste of hot cock action! WSH
Fernwood Middle School, 1915 NE 33rd Ave, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 6:30 pm-9:30, $2 adults, kids free
Who doesn't want tight arms, flat abs, toned quads, and the ability to clock someone right in the face? Well, anyone who doesn't shouldn't take boxing--because these cardio heavy classes not only help you drop the pounds, but make you look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. Okay, it's not quite that extreme, but hit the boxing bag for a couple months, and you'll totally get rid of that saggy flab on the back of your arms. KS
With the obscene volume of hiphop, b-boy (and b-girl) classes sprouting up throughout the city, your fat ass has very little excuse to be moving like a sluggish geriatric. First of all, you've got Divine Funk (811 SE Main #200), Mariecella Divine's hiphop dance emporium, which offers beginner through advanced classes Tuesdays through Saturdays. Viscount Studios (724 E Burnside) offers Wednesday night classes from 8:30-9:30 pm, while All Star Dance Academy (4876 N.W. Bethany Blvd, Suite L-5) supplies the deep Northwest with two separate Wednesday classes--one in the a.m., and one in the evening. For your Break-specific needs, check out Wax's (5101 N Interstate) weekly b-boy and b-girl foundation class on Wednesday--followed by their regular open floor sessions. Nocturnal (1800 E Burnside) also hosts classes, both beginning (Tuesday and Wednesday from 5-6 pm) and intermediate (6-7 pm), on a weekly basis. ZP
For more information contact Divine Funk at 232-5575; Viscount Studios at 226-3262; All Star Dance Academy at 439-6605; Wax at 283-9093; Nocturnal at email@example.com; Like Salsa? Try out some calorie burning classes at Caravan Studios, 4050 NE Broadway, 503-287-1794; How about bellydancing? Call Euphoria Studios, 1235 SE Division, 240-1997
Drug Free Youth Basketball!
You're neither one of these… so never mind. WSH
If you're looking for a super-fun sport that makes basketball seem like playing checkers with great grandpappy, check out Portland's indoor soccer league. While the rules are similar to outdoor, the speed of the game is doubled thanks to an indoor field the size of a hockey rink, a smaller goal (ergo a higher scoring game), a shorter playing time (one hour), and players can even ricochet the ball off the wall. Players not affiliated with a team can show up for the adult open play sessions, or check out the bulletin board for teams that want pick-up players (goalies are always needed). Even better? These games are incredibly exciting to watch, and it's absolutely FREE to sit in the stands and scream your stupid lungs out. WSH
Portland Indoor Soccer Center, 318 SE Main, 231-6368, Adult open play is on Tuesdays and Fridays, 11:30 am to 1:30 pm, $6 to participate. Observers can catch a game for free practically anytime on the weekends from noon to midnight.
Only idiots are crazy enough to play golf in the winter, you say? Au contraire, mon frere! They're crazy like the idiot fox, because winter is the perfect time to learn how to play this classic old-timey game without the prying eyes of experts sneering at you. Plus, thanks to the Portland Community College community education courses, it's never been easier or cheaper to learn. A mere 29 bucks (plus a one-time $40 driving range fee) buys you six classes from a real golf pro who teaches the basics of putting, chipping, and driving. So by summer, you can stride confidently onto the links without fear of reprisal from the snooty snoots. FORE!! WSH
Portland Community College, www.pcu.edu, Heron Lakes Golf Course, golf clubs provided, courses start February 19, so sign up now online!
There's a reason the most successful members of the animal kingdom hibernate when the temperature drops: Winter effin' BLOWS. Luckily, if you follow these easy steps, you can wholly avoid the outdoors for the entire season. First, fake a lower back injury or nervous breakdown (both nearly impossible to disprove) and start collecting disability checks. Next, sign up for one of those sucker programs like Meals on Wheels, who will deliver all the food you need. Now all you need is a dealer who makes house calls and a Netflix account, and your only obligation until spring is to get as fat as humanly possible--just like our friends the bears and squirrels. What's so wrong with doing things naturally? SM
Your couch, under a blanket, watching Judge Judy. Free.