Illustration by Kalah Allen

Why is it that you dancing drunktards can't finish your pint or cocktail before stepping onto the already-crowded dance floor? Your best bet is to drink it all down before hitting the dance floor instead of parading it around, showcasing your drink as if it were a trophy you won for waiting the longest in the bar queue. Why is it that you must put us, who want to seriously groove, at risk of getting knocked unconscious by your raised glass? Have you no sense of space? Have you no compassion for the groove of humanity? Do you really think that pale ale or gin and tonic makes you look the part of the relaxed and refined dancer? Get off the floor, if this is your priority, and make use of that unoccupied table that you've reserved by strategically placing your possessions on it. Your dingy sweater and pleather purse look like two adopted children you've left unattended at the zoo because your blood-child led you astray to gaze at the monkeys.—Anonymous