BT Livermore

HOW TO ROMANTICALLY PORK A GIRL

Need sex? TELL ME ABOUT IT! Seriously, I haven't had sexual coitus with a member of the female persuasion since Barney went on the air. (Fuck Barney, anyway.) However, just because I'm not regularly bangin' and poontangin', that doesn't mean I'm incapable of offering very good advice when it comes to slipping girls Mr. Charlie Sausage. (That's the nickname for my penis.)

TIP #1: GIVE YOUR PENIS A NICKNAME. The name of my penis is "Charlie Sausage." However, you should only let girls know this information as a desperate last resort (more on this later). Why give your penis a nickname? Because if you're cruising a party, you'll need someone to talk to—and that's Charlie Sausage. Plus, if you actually listen to what Charlie Sausage has to say, you'll find he has a lot to offer. For example: Charlie Sausage will identify the girls you should be hitting on. Let's say you're at a party filled with desirable feminine meat. Instead of chatting up the most luscious gal in the pack, Charlie Sausage will pick the homeliest. Why? Because Charlie Sausage knows that the ugly ones are the most likely to sleep with you. Charlie Sausage knows that ugly girls are the quickest way to get from Point A (desperately hanging around at a party) to Point B (burying himself in Vivica Vagina. That's her vagina's nickname.).

TIP #2: WHEN THEY "ZIG," YOU "ZAG." Unfortunately for you, this same party is filled with other men who are also listening to their penises, probably nicknamed Hard Harry, Chesterfield McPenison, or maybe F. Scott Fitzmember. The upside? These guys are all wearing backward baseball caps, cargo shorts, and knit polo shirts, which means when they "zig," you need to "zag." Wear a fuzzy hat like Jamiroquai. Get a lip piercing. And borrow some of your sister's eyeliner. (The intention is to remind girls of that guy from Fall Out Boy who showed his penis on the internet. They'll subliminally assume you have a penis, too.)

TIP #3: USE "ROMANCE" AS A METHOD OF INITIATING PORKING. I know! Sounds stupid, doesn't it? But it works. Women love the illusion of romance, even though it doesn't exist. First of all: Pretend you're black. For some reason, black guys are super good at pretending to be romantic. Approach your prey, gently slide the backside of your fingers down her bicep, and coo, "Ooooooh, baby. Your shit is so fine." (But say it like a black person.) Then say something like, "Ooooh, baby, I'd buy you a drink, but you already look wet. Besides, I really don't have any money on me at the moment." Now at this point, her best friend may say, "EWW! This guy is gross." Instead of allowing this girlfriend to block Charlie Sausage, use it as an opportunity to get both girls in bed. "Ooooh, don't worry baby, my bed is big enough for the four of us." And when she asks whom the fourth is? That's when you introduce Charlie Sausage. WSH

HOW TO GET GOOD GRADES (PSSST! CHEAT!)

If the general point and purpose of college is to mold young minds for the rigors and challenges of the real world, then cheating is the ultimate method of preparation. In the real world of corporate business, you will lie on your resume, leave discarded coworkers in your wake as you climb the ladder, and possibly cheat on your spouse with a younger officemate (most likely your receptionist, or the cute copy room intern). Either way, in life you cheat to win.

So in order to achieve success off campus, you better learn how to cheat on it. Your best friend in cheating is technology. While gramps wrote test answers on the sweaty palms of his hand (it smears, don't bother), his shoes (unless they are invisible, this never works), or smuggled an abacus under his shirt (so cumbersome), modern-day students have lots of new deception options to pass exams without wasting their precious time studying. Let's examine them, shall we?

TIP #1: USE YR PHN. Granted, you can't scam a biology paper entirely via your Sidekick, but your texting keypad is perfect for the random pop quiz, especially when you have a roommate back in the dorm at the ready. If you can text and drive—which I know you can—then you also have the "TXTN SKLZ" to text under your desk, and thus, under the watchful eye of teach. Just be sure to keep the ringer off. Nothing ruins a good cell cheat like your Usher ring tone directing all eyes to you as you hammer away at the keys.

TIP #2: BUY A PAPER! While cell phones can help, the wallet is the preferred method of cheating, especially online. If you have mom and dad's credit card handy (just make sure they don't see the $60 charge from fastpapers.com), you can buy a cheap ticket to Diploma Land. But before you bust out that Visa, remember the wise words of Sun Tzu: "If you do not know yourself or your enemy, you will always lose." Granted, I paid some kid to read Art of War for me, but I think he means you better know what the colleges are doing to prevent your lazy-ass from lying your way to good grades. Beware of goodie-goodie sites like turnitin.com, which has "Plagiarism Prevention" techniques and helps train teachers to be aware of your cheating ways. What a bunch of dicks.

TIP #3: FIND A NERD. It might bruise the bank account some, but the tried and true way to enjoy all the perks of college (hazing, coeds, beer, oversized sweaters with your school's logo on them) without the bad elements (classes, exams, homework) is to hire a nerd. Preferably a poor nerd, one who struggles with the burden of tuition, so much so that he has to pawn his original-edition Chewbacca bandolier just to buy books. With his brain and your parents' money, it's a win-win situation!

Just don't get caught, because, you know, cheating is wrong. EAC

HOW TO MAKE MONEY

FACT: Most parents are under the wrongheaded conclusion that it's possible for you to attend college AND have a job. UHHH... WRONG. Going to college isn't some "part-time gig" where you snooze through a couple classes and then waste the rest of your day on the quad playing Frisbee and smoking hashish. First of all, there's homework, and there's parties, and there's playing Frisbee, and smoking hashish. WHO HAS TIME FOR A JOB?

However, a playa's still got to eat, and if mummy and daddy have cut off your allowance, then you're gonna have to get your cheddar ("money") elsewhere. For example...

TIP #1: SELL YOUR BLOOD. Fuck selling your blood. What are you? A lowlife junkie? Shit, no. Besides, those places only give you, like, $20 a pint. And who knows where your blood is going? What if it winds up in some terrorist who blows up the classroom you're sitting in? That's called IRONY, bitches—and you want nothing to do with it. That's why you should consider...

TIP #2: SELL ANYTHING EXCEPT BLOOD... LIKE, I DON'T KNOW... EGGS? Ladies, you are currently at your most fertile moment of existence. If I look at you, you'll get pregnant. That's why you should sell your eggs. There are literally thousands of barren, matronly thirtysomethings who are begging to have their vaginas ripped open by the head of a newborn infant. (Yeah, I don't understand it either.) And who are you to stop them from mutilating themselves? Fork over your eggs, and rake in a tub-load of moolah!

TIP #3: RENT OUT YOUR FEET. You're an adult now, so I'm going to let you in on a little secret. People are FREAKS. And these freaks will actually pay you big bucks to act out their freaky fantasies with you—especially foot fetishists! If you've got nice-looking toesies, get on craigslist and rent out your feet. Make sure to mention that you're not interested in any sexual contact, and maybe take one of your thuggish football player friends with you. As mentioned earlier, these freaks are FREAKS.

TIP #4: RENT OUT YOUR NUDITY. Here's one for the guys. There is an entirely different subsection of freaks who enjoy male nudity in all its forms—for example, watching you take a shower, masturbate, or cleaning their house while naked. Take it from me, you can make SUPER big bucks with the nude housecleaning bit... and you don't even have to do that great of a job! Again, consult "Freak Central," AKA craigslist.

TIP #5: BEG FOR FOOD. If you've got a little money coming in from mom 'n' pop, why waste it on food? (Especially when that dough should be going to drugs and drinks.) The kids at Reed College have the right idea with their cafeteria "scrounge line"—wherein they hang around with a fork, and wait for someone to give them some partially eaten meatloaf or pudding. BUT WHY STOP THERE? Why not take your fork and hang around Wendy's, waiting for someone's uneaten bacon-and-cheese-stuffed potato? Why not scrounge for the remaining bites of a filet mignon at the Heathman Hotel? And why not eat the food out of your parents' garbage can? After all the shit you've taken from them—they owe you, man. They owe you. WSH