Dating Tips for Horny Boys 

Guide to Daily Living

Last night I got to thinking to myself and I said, "Self, it's about time those horny boys learned how to behave outside the bedroom." Sure, I enjoy a good shakedown in the sack, but that's not the only place my foreskinned friends could use a tip or two. Ladies and gentlemen (well, mostly gentlemen), I present to you the Horny Boy's Guide to Daily Living.

Let's start with the basics: oral cleanliness. For God's sake, buy a new toothbrush every decade or so! If I like you enough, I just may want to use it! Okay, so dirtier things have graced my tongue, but please, putting some sort of frayed wad of bristles in my mouth is not my idea of refreshing. You can buy one at almost any local supermarket! Or if you're really daring, you could actually pay a visit to the dentist who will be more than happy to give you several.

With the holiday season approaching, the subject of gifts can't be avoided. I may be a lingerie-wielding maniacal egomaniac, but I am no materialist. Truly, it is the thought that counts. Buy me a neon fanny pack and I'll cry tears of joy; give me cheap rhinestone earrings and you'll be in for some serious thank you sex. Just DON'T FORGET.

Then there's the issue of fashion. Or lack thereof. Listen closely: It is NOT okay to wear a beret under any circumstances. I don't care if you're moving to Paris to become some sort of misunderstood artist. If you don such horrific headgear, you immediately become undoable for at least five years. You can imagine my revulsion to learn that one of my make-out partners was a secret beret-wearer, claiming it to be his trademark! Oh, the horror. (Insert violent shuddering here.)

Last, but certainly not least, there's the matter of taking care of your girl. If you find me on a rainy street corner reeking of alcohol, put your coat on me and take me home. Pass me a warm towel after some juicy jigglin' in the bedroom. Belch on command and I'm yours forever.

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