Dating Tips for Horny Boys 

For the Love of Dog

There are three girls remembered at every school: 1) the girl who slept with the English teacher; 2) the girl who's had like, 10 million abortions (see number 1); and 3) the girl who let the dog lick peanut butter out of her crotch. Ah, the golden days of high school! Booze, boobs, and bestiality! Now, being as I am both your friend and mentor, I did some research so that you boys can carry on naughty conversations about those peanut butter escapades in both an informed and poised manner. Ok, thinking caps on!

We all knew that the sex with your dog thing falls under Bestiality, also known as Zoophilia, but that's just the beginning of the animal terminology. Whether or not Richard Gere is in fact sticking gerbils up his ass, there is a scientific name for this dirty little act: Felching. Now that's one for your working vocabulary! "But wait," you say, "I thought felching involved a straw and the ol' rear-end!" It sure does! Felching is a broad term used for both activities.

Don't you just hate it when you're trying to be all smooth and you accidentally pass a little gas (or a lot, in my ex-boyfriend's case)? Sure, you could be all flustered and embarrassed, or you could introduce that special someone to Flatuphilia! That's right, a Flatuphiliac gets off on gas, usually when that gas is traveling into their mouths. Here's an idea! Why don't you take your gal to Muchas Gracias for a fine meal and then head back to your place for a little fart festival beneath the sheets? (Not recommended for first dates.)

Finally I introduce you to Oculolinctus, in which people lick each other's eyeballs for sexual arousal. Now I know you're practically bounding out the door to try this, but be warned: You can contract those nasty little oral herpes from this activity! Might want to keep that tongue in check after all.

Now go forth and speak freely! Or, if you need some first-hand instruction, why don't you check out the Mercury Alternatives? You're sure to meet some other horny boys and girls just like yourself! However I am not one of them, so please, stop calling me.

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