Dear Future Drop-Out 

Remember how your parents, teachers, and counselors—virtually every adult in your life—told you that in order to succeed in life, you'd need to get a college education? That the path to happiness was lined with diplomas? Well guess what—they were full of shit.

Here's the thing—college isn't going to make you smarter, or more employable (every barista in town has a Ph.D.), or more likely to be financially comfortable in your later years. It will do none of those things, and will, in fact, only get you pregnant and addicted to narcotics—so if you're lucky, you'll just end up with an STD and a crank habit. Oh, and you'll be saddled with debt that you'll never, ever—not in a hundred lifetimes—be able to repay.

Is that the kind of life you want, collegeboy/girl? Of course not.

Luckily, we, the undersigned, stand as proof that one can be a rousing success without wasting one's or one's parents' money and, more importantly the most attractive, nubile, physically fit, irresistibly lusty years of one's life. Drop out of college before it's too late. Go into acting, or politics, or inventing. Write a new computer language and sell it for a trillion dollars. Find someone who's wealthy—a real, genuine success—get them drunk and screw their brains out. Just make sure that before they emerge from their stupor, you've got a ring on your finger and a marriage license from a 50/50 property state. Do anything—just not college.

Good luck in your endeavors.

Sincerely,
Rosie O'Donnell
Steve Jobs
Ron Popeil
Rush Limbaugh
Kevin Federline
Dan Aykroyd
Kevin Sorbo
Burt Reynolds
and Yoko Ono

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