"I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!" John McClane grumbled in Die Hard 2. "How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?" That was in 1990, two years after the first Die Hard—but then, five years later, that shit happened again! In Die Hard with a Vengeance! And then again, in Live Free or Die Hard, which, in 2007, won every Academy Award. (It won two for a single scene, in fact: The one where Best Actor Bruce Willis leapt from a collapsing overpass onto the wing of an F-35B jet, which he then surfed on.) In Live Free or Die Hard, McClane stopped a "fire sale"—a cyber attack that shut down America's transportation, communications, and utilities. I mention the fire sale because the exact same thing just happened in real life: A few minutes ago, I was supposed to watch A Good Day to Die Hard, but just as the movie was about to start, the power went out. Everybody waited for a while and then stood up and went home.
But print deadlines don't stop for power outages—which means there's still space to fill in this paper, which means I'm now writing about a movie I haven't seen. A challenge? Yes! But if this challenge was, say, an F-35B jet, I'd be surfing that motherfucker like Teen Wolf surfs Stiles' van. (Did I just mix a Teen Wolf/Die Hard metaphor? Or create the best crossover film of all time? Your call.)
So I'm as in the dark—ha! so to speak! right!—as you about A Good Day to Die Hard. Here's what I do know:
1. A Good Day to Die Hard costars Jai Courtney as "Jack McClane," McClane's son. No one gives a shit about McClane's son. He is an unwanted child.
2. In A Good Day to Die Hard, McClane and L'il McClane go to Russia, the series having exhausted all other possible locales (Los Angeles skyscraper, Chicago airport, Central Park, wing of F-35B jet). Will there be a Yakov Smirnoff cameo? Chances are good—at least as good as the chance I'd make a lazy Yakov Smirnoff reference the second I heard the word "Russia."
3. A Good Day to Die Hard features McClane surfing on a... semi truck? I think? One of the film's stills features McClane dangling off of a semi in mid-air. (Twentieth Century Fox's actual, excellent caption: "John McClane keeps on truckin'.")
4. Remember when this started with a quote from Die Hard 2, and it seemed like I might have something worthwhile to say about the Die Hard movies? Well, that'll have to wait until I'm able to see the latest Die Hard movie. Barring further fire sales, that'll be Thursday. I'll post a review then. I'll keep the Yakov Smirnoff jokes to a minimum.
5. What a country!
UPDATE! Megan Seling managed to do what I couldn't and actually saw A Good Day to Die Hard! SHE LOVED IT. Go read her review.