Live and Die By the Bike

Even if you're not planning on riding any bikes or participating in any of the death-defying challenges today, definitely wear a helmet. C.H.U.N.K. 666, if you don't already know, is an apocalyptic bike gang, as constructive in regards to bicycles as they are destructive in regards to their persons. Known for creating ridiculous bicycles out of bits they find in the trash, they occasionally storm this and other cities on long, precarious chopper bikes. When they leave, there are usually bloodstains and charred stuffed animals in their wake.

Invigorate your lawlessness and check out the Chunkathalon, a deadly Olympics that usually involves fire, beer, and crashing. (And anyway, aren't those three elements of all life's best Saturdays?) This year, the events of the Chunkathalon include the "baby rescuing competition,Ó "lake on fire,Ó and something called "help-me-up.Ó

In addition, the Chunkathalon will feature bike jousting, the organization's most classic event. The World Chopper and Tallbike Jousting Championships are the best way to thin your herd. And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like and every bit as brutal as it was in the Olden Days. If you're square, pansy, or generally a scaredy-cat, do everyone a favor and skip it. MARJORIE SKINNER

Station Zebra, SE 21st and Bush, Saturday, September 6, 4 pm, free

Cry in Your Beer

You can just about hear the venom dripping from his voice as Bob Dylan sings: "Like your smile and your fingertips. Like the way that you move your lips. I like the cool way you look at me. Everything about you is bringing me... misery.Ó

Ah, lovesick lyrics, the break-up song, the broken-hearted ballad; songs that drive a wedge into your already broken heart. From Stevie Nicks' "Stop Dragging My Heart AroundÓ and Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the HeartÓ to Harry Nilsson's "Me, Myself, and IÓ and pretty much any song from Patsy Cline, these anthems are like gut-cleansing enemas; bittersweet mixes of eternal pain and hard fought emotional redemption.

Tonight, J.R. Pella, the co-lead singer for Black Angel, hosts "Cry in Your Beer,Ó a heartsick concert and confessional. Pella will play a set ranging from Loretta Lynn's near suicidal "She's Got YouÓ to more optimistic songs designed to thread the needle that'll stitch up your broken heart.

In addition to Pella's weepy music, he's also inviting everyone to step forward and share their emotional horror stories and to publicly kvetch about lovers who have spurned them. (Besides, aren't your friends sick of listening to you moan?)

"Think of the night as a soulful group therapy session,Ó he explained. "It's going to be part cabaret, part emotional roller coaster, and all fun.Ó PHIL BUSSE

"Cry in Your Beer,Ó XV, 15 SW 2nd Ave, Thursday, Sept 4, 10 pm, $3

Storm & The Balls on the Spirit

Lounge singer/performer Storm Large was quite shocked when the Portland Spirit cruise ship asked her to bring her weekly Dante’s loungecore show to the boat. "I asked them if they'd ever seen my show," she says, “and they said they'd seen me on Halloween. I said, 'you saw me dump blood on myself and rip my dress off like Carrie, and you want me to play on your boat,' and they said, 'yeah.'" She plans on keeping her first evening on the Spirit fluid-free, however, so don’t worry about getting blood on your Jimmy Choos. "I'm not going to aim so far below the belt," she says. "I'll just stay at the belt." Unsure of what exactly she's going to do, Storm's usual act covers rock, punk, and metal songs, occasionally breaking into a heartfelt rendition of Olivia Newton John's "Hopelessly Devoted" while slithering on the floor. Tonight she’ll be giving the guests Tony Bennett treatment; mingling, embracing partygoers, and showing off her low, sexy voice while leaning seductively over your table. Because this is her first go of it, she doesn't know what to expect from the crowd, but imagines it'll be "like a second date kind of event. You know, the date where you get laid. It's a really nice boat. I thought it would be a lot cheesier, but it's going to be cool. Like kind of a classy singles scene." KATE SHIMER Portland Spirit, Boarding Friday at 10:45 pm at Waterfront Park (where SW Salmon meets Front/Naito Parkway), $15 per person plus $8 for buffet.

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

The Mercury Summer Movie Megathon: filled with laughterÉ tearsÉ and drunken audience members screaming filthy profanities at the screen. OH! What a joy these past five weeks have been! And while all good things must come to an end, there's still time for one more hee-hawing how-do-you-do. That's right, it's our exciting Megathon grand finale, featuring the cheese-a-riffic breakdancing classic, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

The year was 1984: Miami Vice, Rubix Cube, and neon colors were IN, and jerks who tear down inner-city community centers were OUT! And when such a jerk decides to demolish a building used to teach breakdancing to urban youth, it's up to Adolfo "Shabba-DooÓ Quinones and Michael "Boogaloo ShrimpÓ Chambers to save the day. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo has it all; social commentary, romance, funny colorful trousers and, yes, amazing breakdancing sequences that set the stage for modern street technique.

Plus! You can get loaded on $2 PBR and yell and heckle the screen! And as an extra added bonus, we'll have real live breakdancing performed by Kumari Lohar-Singh and her crew to thrill you before the show. So come on, let's end the summer with a breakin' boogalooing bang! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Guild Theatre, 829 SW 9th, 221-1156, Friday, September 5, 10 pm, $6