All year, you've been hiding your furry fetish from your family, anxiously anticipating the one weekend you can proudly suit up in public. Portland is overwhelmed with such opportunities—here are a few Mercury picks. KEVIN OTZENBERGER
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29
If you've ever fantasized about watching elephants destroy something (and we know you have), then you'll be happy to hear about the Oregon Zoo's annual Squishing of the Squash, in which the world's largest land mammals will be stomping the hell out of a giant pumpkin. YES.
Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon, 10:30 am, FREE w/zoo admission ($7.50-$10.50)
If you happen to notice a horde of bike-mounted Gandalfs and Freddy Kruegers crashing house parties in North Portland tonight, that'll be the North Freak Halloween Bike Ride. There will be a costume contest, so start thinking of things that are still scary in reflective vests.
Starts at Irving Park, NE 7th & Irving Park Path, 10:30 pm, FREE
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30
Holocene brings DJs and live performers together for its SNAP! dance night, and this Halloween Edition will feature some of the city's quintessential queer acts for anyone who is ready to dress up like a '90s pop diva and tear the place apart.
w/DJ Automaton, DJ Kez, Colin Jones, Chi Chi Pussyculo & Chonga Bonga, Mizz Ecstasy Inferno; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $3
Take a circus freak show, add a few bands, throw in some "adult demonstrations," and wrap the whole thing in Halloween, and you have the 11th Annual Portland Erotic Ball. The event promises 11 stages of live entertainment, including bands, aerial acts, cabaret go-go dancers, contortionists, snake girls, sword swallowers, and burlesque performers, plus a costume contest worth $10,000 in cash and prizes.
w/Pepe & the Bottle Blondes, the Stolen Sweets; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $35-40 (VIP $69-79)
From the national holiday that brought you the "creepy haunted house" comes the "creepy make-out room." Investigate for yourself at "In the Crematorium: An All-Hallows Eve Night of Costume and Dance."
w/DJ Cooky Parker; The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie, 10 pm, $5, costume required
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31
"Ghostly guides" will give tours of the Lone Fir Cemetery's candlelit paths while telling chilling stories of permanent residents who made "untimely departures." Gawking at someone else's horrible demise has never been this socially appropriate.
Lone Fir Cemetery, SE 26th & Stark, 6-9 pm, $10 (or $15 per family w/children under 12)
There's something beautiful about a bunch of regular people dressed as zombies, watching zombies eat regular people. The Bagdad will be screening the series premiere of AMC's The Walking Dead, while the crowd competes for zombie costume superiority.
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne,10 pm, FREE