Dick Shift 

Attention cock-stroking commuter: You did not see me, but I had the misfortune of seeing you. Doing what, you ask? Why, mercilessly flogging yourself at one o'clock in the afternoon on a Monday while driving your blue minivan. Granted, such a vehicle offers the security of elevation over other cars, but be a little mindful next time you're alongside a bus. With sheer disgust, I watched your unimpressive, oily member protruding through your pleated Dockers as you diligently stroked away. My horror gave way to curiosity: Why not utilize a public restroom like regular perverts? Does whacking it in bumper-to-bumper traffic help you get yourself off? Or were you merely in a time crunch, attempting to multitask on the way to your next meeting? And what happens when you achieve your ejaculatory goal? Does the man-spunk get all over the steering wheel? The mind reels. Anyway, I hope your autoerotic lunch hours don't lead to any 10-car pileups, as you'd be left in quite an embarrassing state of disarray.

--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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