BRING AQUAMAN TO THE SCREEN NOW!
by Bradley Steinbacher
Movie Critic, Likes Aquaman
Before the nefarious pencil (or should I say crayon?) of Wm. Steven Humphrey attempts to strike me down in what is sure to be a dimwitted, numb-nuttian "counterpoint," hear me out: Just now, as The Hulk is about to be unleashed across America's multiplexes, it is important--nay, vital--that steps be made to bring another superhero--one far more super than Batman, and one equally heroic as Peter Parker's alterego--to the screen. That superhero, for far too long neglected and despaired, is Aquaman, the King of the Seven Seas.
Who, truly, is Aquaman? For the uninitiated, Aquaman is not the wimpy, limp-wristed superhero your foggy memories may recall. No, the true Aquaman, invented in 1941--the same year those dastardly Japanese sailed over the ocean to bomb Pearl Harbor--is the stud of the sea, the champion of the deep. Muscled and bearded, with a long, golden, flowing mane, he is the once-ruler of Atlantis who abandoned his post in order to patrol the world's oceans, giving his life to saving humanity from its more unprincipled elements. His powers are formidable, to wit:
1) The ability to breathe both undersea and on land.
2) A telekinetic talent known as "The Clear," which enables him to speak to and/or control all sea life in the ocean.
3) A prosthetic hand/whip/spear gun made out of the toughest steel, which is useful for grasping/slapping/outright stabbing (and defeating) his enemies.
4) A pseudo-ability to fly (which admittedly has, at times, confused me) that is not really an ability to fly, but rather, a mucho-enhanced strength available to him while on land (thanks to years of deep depth dwelling), which allows him to leap great, great distances--so far, in fact, that he can appear to be sailing through the sky (i.e., flying).
5) The aforementioned long, golden, flowing mane (think Legends of the Fall-era Brad Pitt) which, along with vanity, is useful for netting various females, both mortal and superhero (such as Wonder Woman) for which he can pork.
Now, it is at this point that Mr. Humphrey is surely filled with spastic rage--such is his overwhelming hatred for Aquaman--but he should note that the Aquaman I described above is not the lesser Aquaman Mr. Humphrey and his simple-headed ilk remember. This Aquaman is not merely a toady for the Justice League of America (an organization he helped build, by the way). No, this Aquaman is a complicated hero--a superhero who has lost both his wife and his son, who has fought both with and against Superboy and other, lesser heroes, and who routinely porks whatever woman he encounters (which should help cast aside whatever lame Aqualad jokes Mr. Humphrey is currently readying in his rather meek arsenal).
Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, Daredevil, and now The Hulk--each has been given their time on the silver screen, and each has disappointed (well, all but The Hulk, which I have yet to see as of this writing). An Aquaman film, on the other hand, offers a fertile sea of film opportunity. Picture stunning scenes of undersea battle, and great swarms of wicked sea creatures attacking at Aquaman's bidding. Picture Brad Pitt as Aquaman, porking his way through the seven seas. And above all else, picture Wm. Steven Humphrey boiling in his own stupid juices as Aquaman, the film, breaks box-office records.
SEND AQUAMAN: THE MOVIE TO THE BRINY DEEP! HA!
By Wm. Steven Humphrey
TV critic, Dislikes Aquaman
It's a sad world when the lofty art of debate must be continually lowered to include those of sub-par intelligence such as Mr. Steinbacher. But alas--these are the times in which we live. Nevertheless, if I remain silent, gullible studio executives may eventually be swayed by these mouth-breathing nerds who are homoerotically obsessed with the idea of an Aquaman movie. Therefore, let us desperately search to find a shred of logic in Mr. Steinbacher's argument, and barring that, find whatever enjoyment there is in humiliating him and his ridiculous position.
Regardless of Mr. Steinbacher's revisionist tendencies, Aquaman is now and forever a limp-wristed, talentless "dandy of the deep." Why do you think the Aquaman artists suddenly started drawing him with long girlish hair, pectoral implants and a can-opener for a hand? It's because Aquaman is universally known as a PUSS. And unfortunately for this "chicken of the sea," no amount of plastic surgery will change this enduring truth.
Of course, one could argue that a "puss" could never rule an underwater kingdom such as Atlantis. To which I say, being king of "Atlantis" is like being king of "Troutdale." Atlantis is not a member of the United Nations, and if it were, George W. Bush would bomb the shit out of it without a second thought. So let's drop the "Oooh-wheee, I'm hot snot 'cause I rule Atlantis" jive.
Now lets move on to Aquaman's much ballyhooed "powers."
1) Aquaman has the "ability to breathe both undersea and on land." Fine. So does a frog. And I would much rather see a movie about a frog.
2) Aquaman is able to "speak to and/or control all sea life in the ocean." And how does that help when young toughs are trying to steal the hubcaps off my Mercedes? It doesn't, and that's because 99.9 percent of all crimes take place on DRY LAND. A place where Aquaman is about as useful as a cow at a tap-dancing seminar.
3) Steinbacher's wet dream also boasts a "prosthetic hand/whip/spear gun." Oh, you mean he's an amputee? I'll be sure to call him for help next time I need an official for the Special Olympics.
4) Mr. Steinbacher claims Aquaman has "a pseudo-ability to fly." I will agree with him on this point, if by a "pseudo-ability to fly" he means Aquaman cannot fly at all. And neither can he jump. However, I would not be surprised to find him flopping around at the feet of a super-villain begging for someone to dump a glass of water on his head.
5) Finally, and perhaps most laughably of all, is the notion that Aquaman uses his "long flowing mane" to pork women, and in particular, Wonder Woman. First of all, Wonder Woman is a lesbian, you idiot. I would have a better chance porking Wonder Woman--and if one counts Wonder Woman as played by actress Lynda Carter, I already have.
America--be honest. Is Aquaman the type of simpering, puckered namby-pamby you'd like to see on the screen? Of course not. Therefore, let us allow Mr. Steinbacher to continue dreaming of Brad Pitt "porking his way through the seven seas." People in hell often dream of ice cream sundaes--and yet, they very rarely get them.
Of course, there is always the possibility of Hollywood filming a screen version of the Justice League of America. And this production might need an actor to provide comic relief as the ineffectual "hero" known as Aquaman. If such a scenario ever occurs, I know the perfect actor for the role
The gay blonde guy from Caroline in the City.