Doing Dolphin 

WEYMOUTH, England--It was announced earlier this month, that a gleeful 400-pound sexual predator named Georges is on the loose at this British seaside resort town. According to victim reports, the offender has been described as blue, with a big nose, and cute as a button! Georges, after all, is a horny bottlenose dolphin and he's a player!

"When dolphins get sexually excited, they try to isolate a swimmer, normally female," marine mammal expert Ric O'Barry told reporters. "They do this by circling around the individual and gradually move them away from the beach, boat, or crowd of people."

Initially, fear of sexual attacks (and the potential for drowning) kept swimmers on the beach and out of the water. But curious male and female aqua-pervs have since flocked to the area in order to share unique quality time with Georges, apparently in the hope of being molested. Numerous visitors have been photographed swimming with and petting the easily aroused beast. "This dolphin does get very sexually aggressive," O'Barry said. "He has already attempted to mate with some divers." Official attempts to capture Georges and move him to the waters off of France have failed.

In order to gain much-needed clarity on Weymouth's photogenic bestial celebrity, I decided to ask a whale. Not just any whale. James Whale, specifically: host of "Britain's biggest rating and most controversial late night phone in show."

"I'm not surprised the good folk of Weymouth have turned to sea creatures for gratification," Whale told me. "Have you seen the people that live there? The dolphin is certainly more attractive than any of the contestants in the (British) Big Brother house at the moment. Quite frankly, this is the only sexual satisfaction that the people in the small villages of this country can come by most of the time."

Thankfully, nothing similar has ever been reported here in Oregon. Although to be blunt, my girlfriend once brought home a sack of blue condoms from Planned Parenthood. We played "Flipper Rams the Shark" more times than I care to remember.

Rumors that popular "Savage Love" columnist Dan Savage is planning to vacation in sunny Weymouth have proven to be entirely false. I, on the other hand, will consider making the trip.

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