It's 2:45 am and sure, there are plenty of places you can go to replenish those precious supplies of salt and grease that drinking depletes. But there's nothing I love more than falling up my front steps, waking my housemates, and creating some of the most deliciously repulsive delicacies. This is food to be consumed only in those nebulous hours between sobriety and inebriation: heaven and hell.
FRIED RICE: Pity the fate of takeout receptacles. You placed the 2 inches or so of that leftover red-curry chicken in your fridge with the best of intentions, but look: it's meals later and your good intentions are making a mockery of you. Get a cast iron skillet very hot, add every one of those cartons and whatever might be in that Nancy's Yogurt container. The old, dry rice you shunned earlier is the ideal structure for your new meal. Continuously scrape the bottom with your spatula; an egg adds an authentic touch. Season with any number of Asian condiments (including ketchup).
SOGWICH: Now, one wouldn't normally guess that the marriage of leftover Caesar salad and a fried egg sandwich would be a match made in heaven, but nothing transforms some soggy lettuce and spongy croutons into pure light and energy like some toasted Italian bread and a fried egg. Oil-packed anchovies placed atop the prone yolk will change your life.
PIZZA SHAPES: There is nothing creative about this meal except the way it is eaten. Bring the box of leftover pizza up to your room. Turn out the lights and get into bed, preferably naked. As you whittle away the slice, observe its changing silhouette through the light of the moon.