LOOKING OUT of the expansive windows lining my new mid-century modern home atop the West Hills, I can see the breadth and scope of Portland. But I can't see the tiny ugly details—which is awesome.
I see what I want to see... the bridges that span the Willamette, the rolling greenery stretching up toward OHSU, and the welcoming arms of the Pearl, where I spend my weekends dining on lobster bisque and laughing haughtily with my chums.
And I also see how my monthly "Editor's Notes" have changed Portland for the better. What follows are my top eight.
1. "Homeless Hoodied Ragamuffins: a Blight on the Urban Landscape." Favorite passage: "His hand extended, his herpes sore glistening, he asked for change, which I had... but refused to give—because at that moment the effort of reaching into my pocket was somehow too much to bear."
2. "My New Porsche." Favorite passage: "My naked buttocks settled firmly into the heated leather seat that carried the scent of recently mutilated bull. As I reached the advertised 60 MPH in 3.3 seconds, my semen flew—coating the rich grained dashboard and my slightly distressed carpool partner in ecstasy."
3. "Damned Skateboarders—Get off My Streets!" Favorite passage: "Cackling wildly, the bath salts still fresh on his dry cracked lips, the vile, monstrous skateboarder (and perhaps rapist?) screamed almost incoherently, 'IS THIS YOUR NEWSPAPER?? I FOUND IT ON THE EDGE OF YOUR DRIVEWAY!!'"
4. "Compost Buckets: What... the... Fuck?" Favorite passage: "Seriously. Is this a joke? Like I would ever... EVER deign to... I mean, I wouldn't even hire a Mexican to touch it."
5. "East Portland: It Actually Exists!" Favorite passage: "Though I've never laid eyes upon it, this far-away location—this imaginary Brigadoon—is an actual place where actual people live... at least according to the help."
6. "Sharing Charcuterie with Carrie Brownstein." Favorite passage: "As my incisors tore into the venison, I knew only one thing for sure... one look at this bottle of 1982 vintage Château Lafite Rothschild will be all it takes to cure this brassy wench of her so-called 'lesbianism.'"
7. "Hello from the Maldives!" Favorite passage: "It's been three years since I've set foot in Portland... anything new?"
8. "My Top 8 Editor's Notes." Favorite passage: "And I also see how my monthly 'Editor's Notes' have changed Portland for the better. What follows are my top eight."
Nigel Figgens Hawthorne
Editor in Chief