I first noticed it a few months ago—tough rocker boys in Portland trading their Jack and PBR for fruity drinks doused with Malibu, Buttershots, and Goldschläger. Maybe it was a joke, I thought, remembering the "Coin Purse," invented by two bartenders trying to out-gross each other with drink recipes at the Matador. But soon all the guys were ordering Coin Purses—deadly shots of 151, Malibu, and Buttershots that make you feel like you've been "hit with a coin purse" the next morning. It wasn't long before certain bars were even rumored to be experiencing Malibu shortages. This was no joke. Then, one too-sunny afternoon, I sought refuge in the dark velvet womb of Dot's. The bar was packed with big meaty rocker guys. In front of each was a pint glass of unnaturally colored slush festooned with a cherry and a lime. Clearly Dot's was the birthplace of this deviant Malibu trend. And there, behind the bar, cackling like a demon and blending with fervor, was the woman who started it all—Heather. Before I could say "whiskey rocks" she slid a neon drink my way and soon I, too, was on my way to a fabulous bitch-drunk. Just in time for summer, here's what she recommends:
• The Commander: "Dark rum, splash of Malibu, lots of fresh lime juice—NOT Rose's—plus pineapple. When you're drinking a drink like that, you shouldn't really be doing anything except getting drunk. Straight liquor with a splash of flavor so that you think it's good, but it goes straight to your brain. It's like a fist through your liver, but a gentle fist."
• The Bitch Slap: "Muddled lime, apple-raspberry juice, and an assload of lime juice. And vodka. Shaken and up in a martini glass. It's so good you get bitch-slapped in the morning. I was drinking these all night and when I woke up I felt like the Cuban Missile Crisis. Maybe this should be called the Bay of Pigs."
• Cock 'n' Bull: "My boyfriend doesn't like girly drinks. He's a savory guy. So I discovered this, and it's fucking horrifying. Vodka with chicken consommé and beef bouillon. Bob Newhart drinks something similar."
• Magical Mystery Tour: "It's a fuckin' DELIGHT. Peach Stoli, cran, and a splash of strawberry purée. Shake the hell out of it and fill it with soda water."
Bonus Motherly Advice: "Before you go to bed ALWAYS take AT LEAST two B vitamins and AT LEAST one milk thistle tablet. You'll pee the funniest yellow color. It's all about flushing out your liver while you're sleeping. And eat a lot of blueberries."