Well, you guys, with the announcement of the nominees for this year's Academy Awards, IT. IS OFFICIALLY. OSCAR. SEASON. It's one of the most exciting times of the year, and not only because it's another opportunity for the world to celebrate one of its most dynamic and vibrant art forms (THE MOVIES!), but also because it lets us fans and industry insiders share our educated predictions on which films and actors will take home a trophy.
Full disclosure, I'm a pretty equal blend of fan and insider. I've worked on two (2[II]) late-night talk shows. I've made eye contact with Tim Gunn. I got into a push-up contest with James Marsden. I've been in a room shortly after it was vacated by Ben Stiller. Do you understand me? I've walked through particles of CO2 that Ben Stiller's lungs expelled from his mouth... the same mouth that created "Blue Steel"... the same mouth that was created INSIDE of Anne Meara (also famous) by a combination of Jerry Stiller (also famous) and Anne Meara (recurring roles on Sex and the City and King of Queens).
Look, all I'm saying is I have chops. I have connections. I can see past the glitz, the glamour, the lights, the cameras, the action, the razzle dazzle, the father, the son, Ghost. I'm not the hoi polloi. I'm bona fide. I'm in the Writer's Guild, you pathetic pieces of shit.
Movie studios send me their movies WHILE THEY'RE STILL IN THEATERS so I can watch and judge them. I'm made of pure light and energy. When I walk, baby's breath grows in the imprint of my right footstep, nightshade in the imprint of my left. If I were to speak in my true voice, birds would fall from the skies, rivers would burn, children would abandon their parents and march, en masse, into the seas.
I sat in my throne of lamentations when the universe was created and I will remain in that throne when the universe ends—the passing of those epochs seemingly taking place in the blink of one of my dozens of eyes. I can tell you that your god is real, but know this: Your god is one of many gods, insignificant in the context of entirety. Truly powerful gods would not waste their time creating toads and Venus flytraps and emotion. Truly powerful gods are concerned not with armadillos or the color yellow or nervous systems. You cannot even fathom the works of true gods, and yet? True gods are not but pawns in a game being played by entities so powerful that even my mind can barely conceive of them. Soon you will be dead.
So here are my Oscar predictions for 2015!
BEST PICTURE: Gone Girl
BEST ACTOR: Gone Girl
BEST ACTRESS: Gone Girl
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR/ACTRESS: Gone Girl/Gone Girl