Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

THE NBA ALL-STAR GAME is now behind us. We all know what happened: LaMarcus Aldridge scored 50 points, grabbed 50 rebounds, notched 50 assists, blocked 50 shots, stole 50 hearts, his hit single "Questions (Do I Have a Dog Named LaBarkus?)" hit its 50th week atop the Billboard charts, and he did not make a single 50 Shades of Grey joke. (THE MARK OF A TRUE CHAMPEEN.) Damian Lillard was equally impressive, dunking on both hoops at the same time, and then on an increasing number of hoops, a bloom of hoops loyal only to the Fibonacci sequence and Lillard's own unquenchable dunkthirst.

Then, to the surprise of everyone but me and all gods living or dead, the rest of the Trail Blazers were named surprise All-Stars, who formed together into a Voltron-like figure of basketball dominance, while the abstract concept of racism was given a corporeal form, and the Blazers nailed a step-back three right in the face of that form so hard that an ancient forest immediately sprung up in that very spot. [Full disclosure, this column is being written before the actual game takes place, but this is my most modest prediction possible.]

Now Portland is all a-buzz. What triumph awaits our SpottieOttieDopalicious basketball team in the second half of the season? Well, gumshoes, here are my predictions for the second half of the season. DO IT ROCKAPELLA!

Head coach Terry Stotts will win coach of the year after it is revealed that he is not a former-NBA-player-turned-head-coach, and rather the time-traveling fourth Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Marshall. Wesley Matthews will hit a three, and then perform his trademark bow-and-arrow celebration, but to the initial astonishment of the crowd, use a real bow and arrow. All will be proven logical when that arrow strikes and kills the demonic presence that exists only to hover over center court and prevent the return of the free Chalupa promotion.

The team will sign Amar'e Stoudemire, who will add a scoring punch on the court, and a greater appreciation for the wisdom of the Mishnah and the Talmud, as taught to us by Hillel the Elder, in the locker room. Meyers Leonard will bring a lacrosse stick onto the court at some point. Simmering tensions over the Hundred Years' War between Joel Freeland and Nic Batum will boil over, with Batum threatening to "Plantagenet a foot" in Freeland's ass. The feud will be mediated and smoothed over by head coach Time Traveling John Marshall.

The Oklahoma City Thunder will hold a "White Knight Night," celebrating men's rights activists. The Trail Blazers, who weren't even supposed to play the Thunder that evening, will show up at the arena anyway, start Bell Hooks as small forward, defeat the Thunder 111–98, and then explain how truly wrongheaded and misguided it is to label male feminist allies as "white knights"—a polemic trumpeted by MRAs that at once furthers a timeless tradition of misogyny AND seeks to actually limit the rights of men, by telling them that they could only espouse feminist ideals if they were trying to show-out on social media platforms. Some minds will be changed, some will remain paralyzed in a state of ignorance, Bell Hooks will score 15 points and grab six broads. I mean boards. Boards.