Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

HEY EVERYONE, it's time for March Madness—college basketball's pageant of villainous exploitation! Sure, it's fun to have an office pool to try to pick the winning teams, but some dumb lady always ends up winning! Can you imagine?! A lady!? A LADY, EVERYONE. A FUCKING LADY WINNING AN OFFICE POOL THAT SHOULD BE WON BY A MAN WITH A COCK AND AN IN-DEPTH KNOWLEDGE OF COLLEGE BASKETBALL. BUT NO. NOOOO. THAT'S NOT WHO FUCKING WINS, IS IT? THAT'S NOT WHO EVER FUCKING WINS. IT'S ALWAYS SOME LADY WHO WINS. SOME. FUCKING. LADY. WITH HER HAIR AND HER PEARLS AND HER PANT SUITS AND HER VAGINA, AS CAVERNOUS AND EMPTY AS THE PART OF HER BRAIN THAT SHOULD KNOW ABOUT COLLEGE BASKETBALL.

But office pools aren't the best part of March Madness (yes they are). The best part of March Madness is talkin' trash (no it isn't). For the people who are too busy LOSING FUCKING OFFICE POOLS TO LADIES to come up with their own shit-talk, here is a guide to help you hate some of the teams in the tournament.

KENTUCKY—By far the best team in college basketball. They recruited all the best players last year, and then a bunch of them stayed in college, and they recruited all the best players in the country this year, too. No one will be surprised if they win the whole thing. How fucking boring is that? Kentucky winning would be like if a Nazi killed Indiana Jones in the first three minutes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Well yeah, of course they killed Indiana Jones, they're the Nazis and he was a college professor.

VIRGINIA—Their head coach is named Tony Bennett, and he isn't even the best Tony Bennett. The best Tony Bennett is the crooner, but even HE isn't the best Tony Bennett. The best Tony Bennett is Frank Sinatra. Get lost, Virginia. (Virginia isn't even the best Virginia. The best Virginia is Virginia from "Meet Virginia" by Train.)

SMU—The team whose name sounds like something you'd text to someone after they sent you a GIF of a cat eating a pumpkin.

OREGON—More like Boregon.

INDIANA—More like Boregon.

XAVIER—More like Boregon.

NORTHERN IOWA—People want you to think that this is a real team, and not some fake school that was made up for a CW Network show about a college basketball team of dudes who look a little bit like Taylor Lautner, and also one black dude. They'll tell you it's an actual university in Cedar Falls, Iowa. They'll tell you Senator Chuck Grassley went there and it's a real school that exists and is not fake and made up for a teen drama. Those people are fucking liars.

UC Irvine—More like Boregon.