Ryan Alexander-Tanner

LAST WEEK a report surfaced that LaMarcus Aldridge was planning on leaving the Trail Blazers—and if you're anything like me, you've been walking around since then with your mouth agape, scream-barfing an endless stream of ravens, each of those ravens scream-barfing an endless stream of yellow jackets, each of those yellow jackets scream-barfing ladybugs, each of those ladybugs frowning intensely. Nothing worse than a bummed-out ladybug, cousins.

Then, later on, Portland Trail Blazers GM/former soap opera actor/bona fide handsome Neil Olshey said that LaMarcus didn't actually say he was going to leave. He said the announcement was poppycock! Monkeyshines! Goat weddings! Uncle muggings! Cake whispers! (I made up most of those synonyms for bullshit, but I think they still work. The feeling just has to be there. Snake weddings! Boot Frisbee! Chum butter!)

NOW LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE, and I've written about LaMarcus maybe leaving town before, BUT HERE WE ARE AGAIN AND IT'S THE ONLY FIRE BURNING IN MY SOUL RIGHT NOW SO I'M GONNA WRITE ABOUT IT, PORTLANDOREGONIANS.

It seems like LaMarcus is probably going to leave and there are a few possible destinations:

DALLAS—LaMarcus is from Dallas, basically. In recent memory the Mavericks have been a steady contender, even winning LA ENCHILADA MAS DELICIOSO (a common nickname for the NBA championship) in 2011. The team is built around large German Dirk Nowitzki (who is not a Nazi, as far as we know, but he is from Germany, so maybe?). Nowitzki (who is not a Nazi, probably) is getting older, though, and he plays the same position as LaMarcus Aldridge. Would that be a good fit for LaMarcus? Playing next to Dirk (who again, probably isn't a Nazi, but that'd be awful if you were his teammate and he cornered you in the locker room and forced you into a very uncomfortable conversation, where he was like, "Surprise, surprise, dude—turns out I'm hella a Nazi." Oh man, I'd hate to put myself in that position. I would never sign in Dallas.)?

SAN ANTONIO—The Spurs! The dominant basketball program of this modern NBA. LaMarcus went to college right up the road in Austin, and Austin is full of amazing music and great bars and... BATS? That's right, bats. Austin, Texas, is full of bats, yeah—though it's not like EVERY bat is a vampire. I mean, call any scientist and ask them, "Are all bats vampires?" They'll say no. But that doesn't mean some bats aren't vampires. Is LaMarcus really ready to run that risk? Playing basketball down the road from a bunch of dope-smoking queso-dip vampires? Also, Tony Parker could be the bad guy in a Tyler Perry movie and then, without skipping a beat, be the bad guy in a Liam Neeson movie.

LOS ANGELES LAKERS—I DON'T EVEN WANT TO JOKE ABOUT THIS.

STAYING IN PORTLAND—Whoa, now here's an idea. Honestly, though, it'd take a pretty handsome man to stay in Portland and play power forward for the Trail Blazers. I don't know if LaMarcus is handsome enough to do it, I mean, I'd love for him to prove me wrong, but... gosh, we'll see.

P.S. SOMEONE SHOW THIS COLUMN TO LaMARCUS.