Ryan Alexander-Tanner

EARTHQUAKE COMING. Big one, too. Not the comedian, either. Or the wrestler. Or the thing people sometimes do with their butts. Naw, there's a real big, razzle-dazzle, oh-my-gosh-damn-fuck-your-shit-up earthquake that's gonna make the Carole King-ass earthquake simulator at OMSI seem like a velveteen feather caress. I mean, the science has been around for a little while, but now The New Yorker has finally written about it, which means it's definitely true. (It's weird that The New Yorker got the word out, right? Isn't The New Yorker usually something like "Joan Didion writes about what Rumi would have worn to the Met Gala"?) According to a science, one piece of nearby earth lasagna is gonna dive underneath another nearby piece of earth lasagna in such a way that it's going to lay waste to everything west of I-5 and it's decently likely to happen in the next 50 years.

Here's what else we know about the possible earthquake:

• It has the potential to be the biggest natural disaster to strike the United States.

• It's probably because gay marriage is legal.

• It could also be because we waited so long to legalize gay marriage (this will depend on who has stronger wizards, the churches or the gays).

• The earthquake is going to happen on your friend's birthday, and they're going to be a diva about it.

• Birthday cake will be the main currency in the new, terrifying Earthquakeworld.

• Birthday cake is your only friend now.

• Your figurines are doomed.

• It will probably shake open the cages at the zoo.

• Here's a list of animals you can befriend and ride to safety: elephant, zebra, giraffe, six or more penguins, a bald eagle, one of the otters.

• Here's a list of animals that will hunt and kill you: polar bear, rhino, zookeeper, sun bear, five or fewer penguins, hippo, the other otters.

• Odds are the earthquake will kill a sea captain.

• Sea captain ghosts are the hardest to fight.

• An army of sea captain ghosts would almost certainly claim more casualties than the earthquake itself.

• Sea captain ghosts can be defeated with a difficult riddle.

• A riddle book can be purchased for three slices of birthday cake.

• It's legal to kill everyone in the band Everclear in the earthquake's immediate aftermath.

• Everclear never warned any Oregonians about the earthquake even though they had a platform.

• Everclear spent more time growing bleached-blond soul patches than spreading earthquake awareness.

• Penguins crave the flesh of Art Alexakis.

• Earthquake preparation kits can be purchased online, or put together using helpful lists also available online.

Be safe!.