Ryan Alexander-Tanner

TIME IS REAL. We are all decaying beings, hurtling toward death on a planet that is hurtling toward death, orbiting a sun that is hurtling toward death. None of us are sacred, everything will collapse—the only possible constant is time. Time is also a construct, a way of giving ourselves significance amid the crippling loneliness of our utter meaninglessness. We mark hours, as though they matter, we mark years, as though we matter. "I turn 30 this year!" and the universe yawns. When the clock strikes midnight on December 31, another tally will be carved into the wall of the prison in which we rot... and you know what that means... IT'S TIME FOR END-OF-THE-YEAR LISTS!!!!!!

FIVE THINGS I'VE TOLD MYSELF THE "CJ" IN CJ McCOLLUM STANDS FOR

1. Chocolate Jesus
2. Cookie Juice
3. Chian Jarmel
4. Clandestine Juxtaposition
5. Cummerbund Jones

THREE GANGS MARTIN SHKRELI SHOULD JOIN IN PRISON

1. The D-Block Chumptrucks<
2. The Scruzzaletti
3. MS-13 (the MS stands for Martin Shkreli; the 13 stands for how many times I hope he dies)

WHAT I ASSUME THE GOP CANDIDATES WOULD BE NAMED JUST BASED ON LOOKS

1. Trump: Alabaster Gunch
2. Cruz: Sneeeeeeeed
3. Christie: Boofus DiCenzo
4. Jeb: Jeb
5. Rubio: Steve de la Johnson
6. Fiorina: Skrang, Queen of the Northern Owls
7. Kasich: Ron "Stepdad" Jones
8. Paul: Buddy Snugs
9. Carson: Thuck Snyrup

IAN KARMEL'S WORD OF THE YEAR

Gorgonzola

THE FIVE WHITEST THINGS I BOUGHT THIS YEAR

1. Cologne that makes you smell like a campfire
2. Premium asparagus
>3. A Portland Mercury T-shirt
4. $500's worth of candles
5. Several plane tickets to Portland