Artwork by James Mitchell

ONE OF THE GREAT ironies in life is scoffing at some jerk tearing up the Willamette on a jet ski—but secretly knowing within your heart that what he's doing is probably super fun. But how do you know for sure unless you find out for yourself? Stop judging others and get the FACTS—by trying any or all of the following EXTREME... ACTION... JERK... SPORTS!!

Jet Skis

They're loud, they guzzle gas, and they disrupt the natural beauty of the river. Aaaaaaaand they're kind of secretly awesome. Jet skis provide the same visceral thrill as a motorcycle, except on the water (where everything feels faster) and with even more dexterity. Some jet skis can go from 0 to 60 MPH in just over six seconds, and reach speeds up to 100 MPH. [Insert boring lecture about safety here, because I can't be bothered.] To try one out locally, check out SK Watercraft Rentals ($80-90 hourly, but they also have half- and full-day rentals, skwatercraftrentals.com), and PDX Watersports ($200 half day, $295 full day, weekday specials, pdxwatersports.com).

Drag Racing

One of the great public services provided by the Portland International Raceway is their "Friday and Saturday Night Drags," where ANYONE with a driver's license can race against a random competitor on an actual quarter-mile drag strip! Obviously this gets those dangerous numbnut teenage racers off our public streets... but it also gives you the opportunity to see what your 1993 Toyota Corolla can really do when pushed to the limit! It only costs $28 to race (and $9 to watch), and you can take as many runs as time permits. [Insert boring lecture about wastefulness and our country's dependence on foreign fossil fuels here, because I can't even.] Go to portlandraceway.com for more details.

Skeet and Trap Shooting

Despite Lil Jon's attempted appropriation of the word "skeet," for the majority of the world, shooting skeet means blowing the shit out of clay targets that intersect in the air after being launched from two machines. (Alternately, "trap" shooting is blowing the shit out of clay targets launched from a single machine.) But no matter how you do it, blowing up inanimate objects with a gun is wicked fun. [Insert boring lecture here about how I'm a hypocrite for wanting to ban guns entirely except for when the opportunity rolls around to blow shit up with a shotgun.] Beginners are welcome at the Hillsboro Trap and Skeet Club (hillsborotrapandskeet.com) or Portland Gun Club (portlandgunclub.org) and both offer reasonably priced private instruction. For liability reasons, these places can't lend you a gun, so borrow one from a friend. Or buy one at Walmart! [Insert boring lecture here about how you should absolutely NOT buy one (especially from Walmart) because all of that is just so morally wrong.]

ATV Dune Riding

Riding quad ATVs on Oregon's beautiful pristine dunes is the moral equivalent of spitting in Baby Jesus' face. But, much like jet skiing, it's secretly wicked awesome. There are a few joints around the dune-filled Florence, Oregon, area that will rent ATVs for $50-60 an hour (see ridetheoregondunes.com or torexatvrentals.com), and the experience will make you feel simultaneously liberated and morally filthy. No jokes about "inserting boring safety speech here," because when I did it, I saw a number of riders roll down the sides of steep dunes, fly over their handlebars, or fall off, forcing them to chase their ATVs across the beach—all of which were hilarious. But you don't want to be the one I'm laughing at. Mind the safety regulations.

Ax Throwing

For those who haven't picked up on the tip, the Fourth of July Estacada Timber Festival is the bomb-diggy-diggy of all local jerk sport festivals. It features a timber-themed parade (10 am), fireworks (10 pm), and timber competitions (1 pm) that include log rolling, tree pole climbing, open power saw (!), "Jack and Jill bucking" (!!), and... wait for it... ax throwing. YOU WOULD BE SO AWESOME AT AX THROWING. And you (or your jerk sports team) can enter any of these competitions at estacadatimberfestival.com—and you totally should, because what if you and only one other person enter? You could return home and brag to your friends, "No big deal, but I got second place in an ax-throwing competition this weekend. OH! And second in Jack and Jill bucking." And your friends will say, "YOU ARE SUCH A JERK." [But they'll secretly insert a lecture here about how they want to have sex with you.]