Throughout our fine nation, Oregonians are known as a lazy, shiftless breed—a species whose members rarely manage to complete kindergarten, let alone attempt higher education. However, even a half-assed Wikipedia search proves that not all Oregonians are useless layabouts (unlike you), and some of them even managed to graduate high school! What follows is a list of famous Oregonians, the estimated dates they graduated high school, and a list of their admirable accomplishments. HEED THEIR EXAMPLE.
1842—Ranald MacDonald. It is an obvious and clear fact that schools did not even exist in the 1800s, when everybody propelled cars with their feet and slid down dinosaurs' tails (as documented in The Flintstones). But Ranald "Please Don't Call Me Ronald" MacDonald was born in Astoria, and went on to be the first person to teach English in Japan, so he deserves to be included here. As a side note, I don't care what those goddamn hippies say, McDonald's french fries are fucking delicious. (Or, as Ranald would say, "¡!")
1934—Beverly Cleary. From Henry Huggins to Ramona the Pest, Cleary wrote a ton of the stories you were forced to do boring-ass book reports on in elementary school.
1956—Phil Knight. The dude owns Nike. He could buy and sell your ass eight trillion times over.
1966—Sally Struthers. Wikipedia says it best: "The ironic disparity between her activism for starving children and her own weight gain was parodied in three South Park episodes: 'Starvin' Marvin' (1997), 'Starvin' Marvin in Space' (1999), and a minor part in 'The Death of Eric Cartman' (2005)." Ha ha! Those were some great episodes, all right! Nice work, Sally.
1970—Mitch Pileggi. Director Skinner on The X Files! Colonel Caldwell on Stargate Atlantis! The host of Breaking the Magician's Code: Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed! MITCH PILEGGI IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN ALL OF OREGON HISTORY. THE MERCURY HEREBY DECLARES TODAY TO BE "MITCH PILEGGI DAY." CELEBRATE AS YOU WILL, PREFERABLY BY WRITING EROTIC FAN FICTION DETAILING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AGENT SCULLY GOES TO ATLANTIS.
1972—Matt Groening. The dude created The Simpsons. He could buy and sell Phil Knight's ass eight trillion times over.
1988—Tonya Harding. Want to know the only cool thing that ever happened in figure skating? It's when Tonya Harding made her hilariously named ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly (say it three times fast!) CRIPPLE A RIVAL FIGURE SKATER. Now that's how you figure skate, pussies! (Mercury Fun Fact™! Tonya Harding also holds the world record for drinking hot sauce!)
2002—Tami Farrell. Maybe you know her better as "Miss Teen USA 2003." I know I do, if you catch my meaning! Eh? Eh? Because we... eh, fuck it. Never mind.
UNKNOWN—Gary the Retard. Okay, I'm not sure if Gary the Retard graduated high school. (I'm guessing he probably didn't.) But he does live in Albany, and he did manage to get a job on Howard Stern's show—proving, once again, that education isn't everything.