Fellate That Bird 

Rio: Mark Zuckerberg as a Bird Who Needs to Get Laid

RIO Pictured, left to right: Mark Zuckerberg, an attention-starved high school theater nerd.

RIO Pictured, left to right: Mark Zuckerberg, an attention-starved high school theater nerd.

RIO IS A STORY about Blu, a macaw that lives in Minnesota with his antisocial, bird-obsessed owner Linda. One day, after being contacted by an equally bird-obsessed man named Tulio (voiced by Rodrigo Santoro—hubba hubba), Linda and Blu travel to Rio de Janeiro to repopulate Blu's species (read: get Blu laid).

Once they arrive in Rio, there are, of course, many adventures. Blu (voiced by Jesse Eisenberg, still sounding exactly like he did as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network) gets stolen by poachers. In his efforts to get back to Linda, he meets a lot of cute cartoon birds that fly around and crack jokes about how Blu can't fly and such. If you're seven, you'll laugh a lot.

There will be sequels to Rio—it's brought to you by the same people who did Ice Age and there have been, what, 27 of those now? One thing I hope they take into consideration next time around is that Rio could've used a whole lot more Tracy Morgan as a slobbery, bikini-wearing bulldog, and a whole lot less bratty Anne Hathaway as the voice of Jewel, Blu's love interest. I really dislike Hathaway and her high-school-theater-nerd-starved-for-attention vibe, which has become especially unbearable after watching her kiss people's asses for three hours at the Oscars. Shudder.

Speaking of...

Rio
Rated G · 96 min. · 2011
Official Site: www.rio-themovie.com
Director: Carlos Saldanha
Producer: Chris Jenkins and Bruce Anderson
Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway, Jamie Foxx, Leslie Mann, Rodrigo Santoro, Jake T. Austin, George Lopez, Will i Am, Carlos Ponce and Kate del Castillo
Rio 3D
Rated G · 96 min. · 2011
Official Site: www.rio-themovie.com
Director: Carlos Saldanha
Producer: Chris Jenkins and Bruce Anderson
Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway, Jamie Foxx, Leslie Mann, Rodrigo Santoro, Jake T. Austin, George Lopez, Will i Am, Carlos Ponce and Kate del Castillo

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