MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE Careful, Emilio. That truck cannot be trusted.

7th Planet Picture Show
Local blogger/KJ Will Radik hosts a film screening during which he and others heckle the shit out of crappy movies, Mystery Science Theater 3000-style. Mt Tabor Theater.

The A-Team
Liam Neeson and Bradley Cooper are certainly roguish enough as Hannibal and Face, while Sharlto Copley acts sufficiently nutbaggy as Murdock, and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. Baracus... well, he's doing the best he can in the impossible job of following Mr. T. The first half of The A-Team practically crackles with winky wit that pops up in unexpected places, and the cartoonish violence of the original plays surprisingly well in some of the over-the-top earlier scenes. However, the charm that dominates the first half falls victim to Michael Bay-style visual histrionics during the final reels. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Various Theaters.

recommended Babies
In the same way that March of the Penguins anthropomorphized penguins (they mate for life because they love each other!), Babies effectively humanizes... babies. Sure, babies are technically "humans"—but they're also, to the uninitiated, irrational, confusing, and vaguely disgusting. (I'm not totally sure what "new baby smell" is, but I think it might be poop.) Babies provides a moms' eye view of four infants in four different countries: the US, Japan, Mongolia, and Namibia. Sure, it's like watching home movies for 80 minutes—but at least they're home movies with an eye-openingly global reach. ALISON HALLETT Cinemagic, Hollywood Theatre.

The City of Your Final Destination
See review this issue. Living Room Theaters.

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky
See review this issue. Fox Tower 10.

recommended The Complete Metropolis
See I'm Going Out. Cinema 21.

Cyrus
The biggest film thus far from the mumblecore crowd, Cyrus has extremely high expectations attached to it. Those who've been cheerleading the films of this underground genre—not to mention fans of Cyrus' cult favorites John C. Reilly, Marisa Tomei, Jonah Hill, and Catherine Keener—want it to be the breakout film they've been waiting for. It is a legitimization of the style, at least, and the cast members' presences are a weighty endorsement, though the film seems to choke a bit on its good fortune. It's not a bad film, but we're familiar with stories about love triangles created by jealous, threatened mama's boys. This one just talks more. MARJORIE SKINNER Various Theaters.

Despicable Me
See review this issue. Various Theaters.

Doctor Dolittle
Rex Harrison stars in this enjoyable 1967 adaptation of the classic Hugh Lofting books, which were some of the greatest books for kids ever written before Eddie Murphy took a liquid dump on their legacy. Kenny & Zuke's SandwichWorks.

Early Summer
See short for Late Spring. Northwest Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium.

Exploitation Double Feature: Maximum Overdrive & Chained Heat
Maximum Overdrive: Stephen King + AC/DC. Chained Heat: Linda Blair + chicks in prison. Everyone wins! Clinton Street Theater.

Figaro
Dan Schaeffer's documentary about a collaborative performance of Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro, performed between the Louisville School of Music in Kentucky and Poland's Szymanowski Academy of Music. Director in attendance. Northwest Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium.

recommended Five Easy Pieces
"You keep on talking about the good life, Elton, 'cause it makes me puke." Laurelhurst Theater.

The Girl Who Played With Fire
See review this issue. Fox Tower 10.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is the first book in Steig Larsson's Millennium trilogy, and a bestseller in Europe and the US. The new film adaptation centers on the unlikely relationship between Mikael and Lisbeth, a journalist and a young hacker who team up to investigate a long-unsolved mystery—and the pathological misogyny that is apparently endemic to Swedish culture. But even at 152 minutes, no insights emerge, other than that women get raped and murdered a lot. It's a shame, too—Girl is beautifully shot, and Mikael and Lisbeth are odd, sympathetic characters. I just wish their investigation didn't involve quite so many pictures of naked, mutilated dead women. ALISON HALLETT Living Room Theaters.

recommended The Good, the Bad, the Weird
Enthusiasm counts. A lot. The South Korean spaghetti western The Good, the Bad, the Weird is 30 minutes too long, and I'm pretty sure it's packed with allegories to South Korean history/and or politics that'll go right over most Americans' heads. (At least, I certainly felt like a good chunk of subtext was drifting overhead.) But still: For anybody who likes westerns and action flicks, it's a must-see. Director Kim Ji-Woon clearly has so much fun staging the film's epic, ludicrously brilliant action sequences that one can't help but be consumed by their exuberant exhilarating chaos. ERIK HENRIKSEN Academy Theater, Laurelhurst Theater.

Grown Ups
Early in Grown Ups, when Kevin James breaks an above-ground swimming pool (because he is fat, you see), I laughed. I also laughed when Salma Hayek threw a rock and it hit a kid in the nuts. Clearly, I do not have lofty standards for comedy. And yet: Those (hilarious!) moments aside, Grown Ups feels 9,000 hours long. Its existence will convert some viewers to atheism. In endless stretches, tone-deaf jokes fall flat; entire scenes collapse with the thud of incompetence. It is boring. It makes one nostalgic for the act of laughing. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters

Holy Rollers
See review this issue. Hollywood Theatre.

recommended How to Train Your Dragon
Essentially a "boy and his dog" story in the vein of Old Yeller, only nobody gets rabies and the dog is a fucking dragon. ALISON HALLETT Academy Theater, Bagdad Theater, Kennedy School, St. Johns Theater & Pub.

Inception
Christopher Nolan's latest is a mysterious thriller tha—BWANNNNNGGG!!! See next week's Mercury for our review. Various Theaters.

recommended Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
The result of years spent trying to reconstruct her face into relevance and shilling for any product that'll pay her, Joan Rivers' persona has come to overshadow her accomplishments. A Piece of Work gives her life and work a deserved re-contextualization—a reminder that behind the diva shenanigans and synthetic face is a performer who's legitimately influential, pioneering, and above all, pretty damn funny. ALISON HALLETT Living Room Theaters.

recommended The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid is pure formula: uncut, chemical-grade, Rocky-brand dope. It's blatantly, unfairly manipulative, and I love it for that; even when plot points were telegraphed from continents away, I still smiled when they reached me, largely due to Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan's great performances. This is one of the few remakes that could be better than the original. BOBBY "FATBOY" ROBERTS Various Theaters.

Knight and Day
Long ago in the annals of history—the 1600s, I believe—Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz were pert, attractive stars of the cinema, spearheading big-budget Hollywood picture shows and charming their audiences with their clear complexions and adept skills at walking and talking. In the intervening centuries, however, both Cruise and Diaz have turned into gently defective androids laminated inside hot plastic. As for the walking and talking? They can manage, but not without inducing a wriggling feeling of discomfort in the audience—the same discomfort you might experience watching a crippled child cross a busy street, or a very expensive robot bump into a wall. NED LANNAMANN Various Theaters.

The Last Airbender
Even with lowered expectations, this live-action take on Nickelodeon's great Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon is impressively shitty: entire scenes seem to be missing; a clumsy voiceover pounds out clumsier exposition; half-assed 3-D makes everything look like a pop-up book. Somehow, M. Night Shyamalan's taken a story about magic kung fu—magic kung fu, for fuck's sake—and made it boring. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

Late Spring
Yasujiro Ozu's films are featured in the Northwest Film Center's "Asian Trilogies" program. Tokyo Story, was made in 1953; Late Spring came during 1949; followed by 1951's Early Summer. Comparatively flat and drab next to the work of the program's other directors (Park Chan-wook, Wong Kar-wai), Ozu's films' dialogue (or perhaps translation?) is stilted and characters infinitely more reserved. These films are critically revered, however, so buckle down, eat your vegetables, and enjoy the increasingly lost art of subtlety. MARJORIE SKINNER Northwest Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium.

recommended MacGruber
For the first time since 1992's Wayne's World, there's an SNL movie that won't make you want to throw yourself off a freeway overpass. ERIK HENRIKSEN Bagdad Theater, Mission Theater, St. Johns Theater & Pub.

Machotaildrop
The Portland premiere of a "highly visual and fantastical" flick about a skater who gets to skate for Machotaildrop, "the world's greatest skateboard copany." Clinton Street Theater.

Ondine
Colin Farrell plays an Irish fisherman who catches a girl in his net. Only she's not a girl, she's a selkie—a sort of mermaid-y thing that's half-woman, half-seal. She sings in a weird language he's never heard, they fall in love, she becomes a mother figure to his crippled kid, and blah blah Hallmark bullshit with an Irish accent. But is this seal-woman all that she seems? Ondine is directed by Neil Jordan, who also directed The Crying Game, so you can be sure there's gonna be a twist. No, the selkie isn't a dude with a penis, but the revelation is equally stupid... oh, look. You're not going to see this anyway, right? I may as well just spoil it for you: She's a Romanian drug mule on the run, and that mystical language she sings in? It's fucking Sigur Rós. This movie blows. NED LANNAMANN Living Room Theaters.

recommended Pelada
See review this issue. Hollywood Theatre.

recommended Planet of the Apes
"Imagine me needing someone! Back on Earth, I never did. Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love making, but no love. You see, that was the kind of world we'd made. So I left, because there was no one to hold me there." Fifth Avenue Cinema.

recommended Please Give
Nicole Holofcener makes complex, thoughtful movies about women. About female friendships, in the cult classic Walking and Talking; about female self-image, in the underrated Lovely and Amazing; about female careers, in the capable Friends with Money. With her newest, Please Give, Holofcener makes it clear from the film's opening moments that her focus hasn't changed: The credits roll over a montage of naked breasts, varied and unshapely and a little uncomfortable as they're weighed and smooshed into mammogram machines. ALISON HALLETT Cinemagic, Hollywood Theatre.

Predators
See review this issue. Various Theaters.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Someday videogame movies will have their Ghost World, their American Splendor—a breakout film that will bring a marginalized medium a degree of mainstream recognition. Maybe Jake Gyllenhaal will even star in that movie. But in the meantime, courtesy of Disney and the guy who directed Mona Lisa Smile, videogames make another predictably awkward transition to the big screen in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time—a movie whose primary selling points are Gyllenhaal's admittedly compelling abs. ALISON HALLETT Academy Theater.

recommended The Secret of Kells
With graceful, emotional animation, brilliant character designs, and a watercolor-dappled visual style that lands somewhere between Saul Bass and Genndy Tartakovsky, every frame of Kells is amazing to look at—but it's the film's humor, heart, and melancholy that makes it really work. Stuff this good—this exhilarating, sweet, clever, poignant—simply doesn't come along very often. ERIK HENRIKSEN Hollywood Theatre.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice
NICOLAS CAGE AS A WIZARD, MOTHERFUCKERS. See next week's Mercury for our review. Various Theaters

Spike & Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation
The Spike & Mike fest just keeps on going, year after year—so somebody must be going. More info: spikeandmike.com. Cinema 21.

Splice
A bizarre take on the standard creature feature, with uncomfortable sex scenes and really uncomfortable mommy issues—because while there may be a deadly science experiment on the loose, Splice's true monster is a mad mommy scientist. But for all its oddities, Splice comes off as David Cronenberg lite, a film with a few touches of visceral skeeviness and a striking cinematic palette, but little tension or empathy for the main characters. COURTNEY FERGUSON Kennedy School.

recommended Stonewall Uprising
Stonewall Uprising documents the Stonewall riots of New York's Greenwich Village in the summer of 1969. The spontaneous and violent riots, which essentially started the modern gay rights movement, are recounted through present-day interviews with both Stonewall demonstrators and policemen. What makes this documentary so compelling is the film's depiction of the oppressive reality facing homosexuals living in the 1960s. This sociological background—where homosexuality was considered both a mental illness and a crime—illuminates the collective frustration that turned a routine police raid on a gay bar into a series of protests that sparked a revolution. ANDREW "THE INTERN" MICHAAN Living Room Theaters.

Student Screening
A 32-film collection of shorts from students at the Northwest Film Center's School of Film. Northwest Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium.

Tokyo Story
See short for Late Spring. Northwest Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium.

recommended Toy Story 3
Well gosh darn it, you sure won't be surprised about what I have to say about Toy Story 3—it's a terrible piece of malarkey just like you thought, full of talking plasticine toys and inane gibberish about being a loyal friend, and oh boy, does it look like a blind preschooler created it using Microsoft Paint while hopped up on Ritalin. Yep, just dreadful... like everything you've seen from those Pixar hacks. Okay, yeah, I'm full of shit. I just don't want to write the same fawning review that everyone is going to write. Toy Story 3 is an absolute delight, full of adventure and nostalgia and most of the characters you've already grown to love in 1995 and 1999 (little green aliens!!!). COURTNEY FERGUSON Various Theaters.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
By my rough count, there are four "SQUEEEEEs" in Eclipse. By comparison, there were six "SQUEEEEEEs" in New Moon. So why the obvious lack of "SQUEEEEEEs"? Scientifically, SQUEEEEEEs are generated by unrestrained hormonal activity combined with impossibly clumsy or awkward situations (such as shirtless Jacob rubbing up against Bella in a sleeping bag). However, unlike New Moon, which was brimming with gawky cinematic contrivances, laughable CG, and Kristen Stewart incessantly biting her lip, the Eclipse crew has learned from its past mistakes, and smoothed out the rough edges—the very edges that, for me at least, make the series so enjoyable. Nevertheless, while Eclipse may be a smoother, more mature production than its predecessors, it's still got four really good SQUEEEEEEs. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Everywhere.