Film Shorts 

Above the Law

Steven Seagal developed, co-wrote, co-produced, choreographed, and starred in this one, proving he's a true Renaissance man—a Renaissance man of KICKING ASS. In your face, Chuck Norris! (Adam Gnade) Rent it now!

An American Haunting
Surprise, surprise. A crappy looking horror movie isn't screened for critics. Century Eastport 16

Art School Confidential
Teaming up for some of the old Ghost World magic, director Terry Zwigoff and comic artist/writer Daniel Clowes explore post-adolescent ennui once again in this adaptation of Clowes' frequently hilarious (and uncannily accurate) satire of art school pretension. With a terrific supporting cast that includes John Malkovich, Steve Buscemi, and Angelica Huston, I spent the first half of the movie thinking that this would certainly be the best comedy of 2006. And then, the second half struck. There's no accounting for how far off the tracks Confidential gets; instead of hilarious satire, Clowes and Zwigoff serve up bad subplots and histrionic protagonists. Seems like these two need to go back (wait for it) to the drawing board! (Chas Bowie) Fox Tower 10

Benefit for SHAC7 and Josh Harper
A benefit for animal rights activists SHAC7, with live music and a video interview with one of the members of the group. Clinton Street Theater

Black Orpheus
Years ago, when I first saw Marcel Camus' beautiful, mercilessly hectic retelling of the Orpheus myth set in 1950s Rio de Janeiro, I didn't realize that the original Greek figure was credited with "creating" pederasty—making it sort of creepy that he's constantly followed around by eight-year-old boys in the movie. Watch it for the bossa nova soundtrack (and buy the awesome Vince Guaraldi album it inspired), love it for the implied man-boy love. (Scott Moore) Guild

The Da Vinci Code
Raiders of the Lost Ark: Nerd Edition. (Erik Henriksen) Oak Grove 8 Theater, Lake Twin Cinema, St. Johns Twin Cinema and Pub, Century Eastport 16, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, Cinetopia, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Lloyd Cinemas, Hilltop, Pioneer Place Stadium 6, Division Street, Tigard Cinemas, Roseway Theatre

Down in the Valley
Writer/director David Jacobson comes out of nowhere (his last film was a 2002 flick about Jeffrey Dahmer) with a beautifully sinister and metaphorical movie about the West, love, trust, reinvention, and menace. (Chas Bowie) Fox Tower 10

Ed Wood
Tim Burton's great tribute to the "worst director of all time," the inimitable Ed Wood. Clinton Street Theater

Executive Decision

Some say that "this movie sucks, because Steven Seagal is only in it for like two minutes." To them I say: "Two minutes of Seagal are better than 4,000 minutes of anybody else!" And I have the equations to prove it. (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Exit Wounds

Hey, terrorists! So you want to try and kill the vice president, huh? Well, you ain't gonna, 'cause Steven Seagal's gonna kill you! And then he's going to hang out in Detroit with DMX! How d'you like them apples, terrorists?! (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Faust
See My, What a Busy Week! Bagdad Theater

Fire Down Below

This 1997 classic has real-life eco-warrior Steven Seagal playing an EPA agent who teams up with some friendly hillbillies and saves Kentucky for all hillbillies to enjoy. To this day, the hillbillies love Steven Seagal, and Steven Seagal loves the hillbillies. This relationship is what people refer to when they talk about "the circle of life." (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Free Zone
See review this issue. Hollywood Theatre

Glen or Glenda
Oddball film legend Bela Lugosi narrates this 1953 Ed Wood film about (what else?) a boy who loves playing dress-up with lipstick and skirts. Clinton Street Theater

The Glimmer Man

When future archeologists dig up our civilization, I hope the one movie they find is The Glimmer Man, starring Steven Seagal and Keenen Ivory Wayans. The archeologists would be like "Wow. Now that's what I call a movie." (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Hard Candy
The story of 14-year-old Hayley (Ellen Page) and 32-year-old perv Jeff (Patrick Wilson), Hard Candy takes enough twists and turns that the audience can't help but squirm—and not necessarily for the reasons one would think. (Erik Henriksen) Fox Tower 10

Hard to Kill

This pre-Kill Bill revenge flick shows Steven Seagal (as Detective Mason Storm) waking up from a seven-year coma to avenge the deaths of his wife and son! (Adam Gnade) Rent it now!

IT (Independent Tuesdays)
Nocturnal's homemade film and video event—now at Acme! Acme

Just My Luck
Lindsay Lohan's latest, which wasn't screened for us. I can see two good things about the movie anyway, though, and both can be found by Googling "Lindsay Lohan + boobs." Ka-ZING! (Erik Henriksen) Century Eastport 16, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, Lloyd Mall

Marked for Death

Steven Seagal takes on a Jamaican drug gang. Irie! (Adam Gnade) Rent it now!

Mercenary for Justice

See review this issue. Rent it now!

Mission: Impossible III
Okay, so this is what a summer blockbuster is supposed to be like. Loud and big and fun and cool, its mega-budget straining to contain its action, its effects, its stars, all of which are there for a singular purpose: to entertain. This is what summertime movies should be: made up of this speaker-straining, eye-widening, childish delight, tinged with that too-rare sensation of awe. The ideal summer blockbuster boils down to fun—the sort of fun you're going to have whether you want to or not, even if you think you're too hip or smart or cultured for something this big and loud and show-offy. (Erik Henriksen) Oak Grove 8 Theater, Cinetopia, Century Eastport 16, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, City Center 12, Hilltop, Cinema 99, Tigard Cinemas, 99W Drive-In, Lloyd Cinemas, Division Street

Mountain Patrol: Kekexili
Set in 1996, Mountain Patrol tells the true story of volunteer patrolmen who watch over the plateau land of Kekexili on the China/Tibet border and struggle to keep the endangered Tibetan antelope safe from poachers. It's a harsh jab of reality; if you walk away from it feeling at all lighthearted, you better go to your doctor and tell him your soul is fucked. (Adam Gnade) Cinema 21

On Deadly Ground

You know how you can tell that Steven Seagal's an environmentalist in this movie? Because his character's name is "Forrest Taft." Forrest fights once-great actor Michael Caine in this movie, because Michael Caine (playing himself) wants to pour all this oil over Alaska's pristine lands and unspoiled waters. They should make five sequels to this movie. (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Out for Justice

Gino Felino (Steven Seagal) is a tough Brooklyn cop who falls in love with a cowboy played by Jake Gyllenhaal. The two have to keep their tumultuous passion a secret. Hilarity—and love—ensues. (Adam Gnade) Rent it now!

Over the Hedge
This is a movie about a turtle and some porcupines! I don't remember how many porcupines there are, but there are some. My favorite character—well, I liked the squirrel, but my favorite was the one... that one? With the nose? Yeah! The possum! He pretended to be dead! And then there was this part, my favorite part, when there was this trap! And this guy was trying to get food from the bear, and so the squirrel hit a button, and there was this light, and then everything exploded, and then this lady didn't have any hair after it all blew up, and it was really, really funny. (Kayla, the Mercury's resident six-year-old) Oak Grove 8 Theater, Lake Twin Cinema, Century Eastport 16, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, Cinetopia, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Hilltop, Pioneer Place Stadium 6, Lloyd Mall, Division Street, Tigard Cinemas, 99W Drive-In, Moreland Theater

The Patriot

Yeah, Mel Gibson was in a film called The Patriot. Yeah, it made a lot more money than this one. But that doesn't matter; Seagal is a physician who takes on a band of militia extremists. Dear The Patriot: You complete me. (Adam Gnade) Rent it now!

Poseidon
A completely unnecessary remake of 1972's The Poseidon Adventure, in which a massive luxury liner is sailing along minding its own business when WHAMMO! The boat is cold-cocked by a rogue wave. This is especially alarming to the failed TV and B-movie actors on board who find themselves bonking their heads when the ship flips upside-down. So if you like watching people bonk their heads and drown for 90 minutes, then stop reading now, race to the theater, stuff your fat face with popcorn, and enjoy the shit out of Poseidon. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Oak Grove 8 Theater, Cinetopia, Century Eastport 16, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, Cinema 99, Hilltop, Tigard Cinemas, City Center 12, Division Street, Lloyd Mall

The Proposition
The Wild Bunch set in the Australian outback, The Proposition is a grisly, fly-infested nightmare of violence and revenge. Guy Pearce is given nine days to kill his psychopath brother or his simpleton sibling will pay the price instead. Meanwhile, the captain who makes the proposition in question is being pressured by everyone around him (including his wife, played by Emily Watson) to take revenge on the simpleton. While The Proposition may be a searing indictment of colonial Britain, do we really need another searing indictment of colonial Britain? Though unrelentingly dour, the acting and cinematography is reason enough to see the "anti-feel good movie of the year." (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Fox Tower 10

See No Evil
I didn't get a chance to see this movie yet, but that's OK cuz they've been showing the preview every week on <i>Smackdown</i> for like three months. It's got Kane—but not with the tag team belts—and he's this wicked evil dude who kills people and steals their eyeballs. It looks almost as cool as the time Kane and Paul Bearer buried the Undertaker at the casket match at Bad Blood! I'm thinking this movie's gonna rock hard, but the one I'm really excited for is <i>Triple H: The Cerebral Assassin</i> That's gonna be AWESOME! (HulksterRulz1987) Century Eastport 16, Lloyd Mall

The Sentinel
Apparently, this thriller starring Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, and Eva Longoria was screened only for "daily press"—e.g. The Oregonian. Us lowly weekly papers weren't even told about the screening. What the fuck's up with that, huh? Go to hell, Twentieth Century Fox. Laurelhurst, Academy Theater, Avalon, Milwaukie Cinema

Sir! No Sir!
A well-timed documentary about dissention among the ranks of soldiers during the Vietnam War. Hollywood Theatre

Sketches of Frank Gehry
Director Sydney Pollack's fawning tribute to his friend, architect Frank Gehry. Sketches is essentially a glorified puff profile with big name talking heads, but it's also guaranteed to enhance your appreciation of Gehry's work, so it all comes out in the wash. (Chas Bowie) Cinema 21

Somersault
Heidi (Abbie Cornish) is a teenage Australian girl whose primary tactic for getting through life in is being willing to fuck anything. If you love aimless angst, then you'll eat up all the languishing and space-wasting done under liberally employed blue and amber lenses, and even though I spent most of the film thinking how "over it" I am of movies glamorizing beautiful losers, the ending does manage a proportionately surprising degree of depressing resonance. (Marjorie Skinner) Fox Tower 10

Today You Die

The title of this movie is actually what Steven Seagal says to anyone who crosses him. Like if a waiter brings him regular water instead of sparkling water? "Today you die," speaketh Seagal, calmly and coolly, and before the waiter can even apologize, the waiter's heart is torn from his chest and crammed down his throat. Steven Seagal may be a lot of things, but he is not a liar. (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Under Siege

Here's something rad: Steven Seagal plays a cook in this movie—his name's technically Casey Ryback, but I lovingly refer to him as "Cooky." And Cooky ain't happy when Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey try to take over the Navy battleship that Cooky's cookin' on! This movie turns up the heat as Seagal slices and dices through Tommy Lee's henchmen! Hope you like your action well-done! (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

Just like Under Siege, but on a train, and now Cooky (Steven Seagal) is adding some spice to Denver, Colorado, where he cooks at a café! But when terrorists pass through, Cooky scrambles things up as he chops and whips the bad guys, resulting in a delightfully nuanced bouillabaisse of excitement! (Erik Henriksen) Rent it now!

Wah-Wah
An apparently autobiographical coming of age yarn written and directed by actor Richard E. Grant, Wah-Wah centers on a frightfully dysfunctional family of Britons at the tail end of England's occupancy of Swaziland. Though Grant has managed to secure a stable of the UK's finest for his seemingly still-bitter recollection of youth (Emily Watson, Miranda Richardson, and Gabriel Byrne), it's certainly more a testament to his standing as an actor than to the material at hand—which is as long on melodrama as it's short on substance. (Zac Pennington) Fox Tower 10

Water
Set in 1930s India, Water is a gentle but effective indictment of the ancient Hindu belief that a widow is responsible for the death of her husband. One of the limited and unsavory options for these women is to have their heads shaved and to tuck themselves into a temple with other widows, where they live in poverty, surviving by begging and (less publicly) prostitution. Such is the fate of Chuyia (Sarala), who is nine and barely even registered the fact that she was married at all. She is befriended by Kalyani (played by the alarmingly gorgeous Lisa Ray), whose unfortunate role at the temple is as the house prostitute, for which she is allowed to keep her hair long, but is shunned by the other widows, who nonetheless survive in part by her earnings. With modern times and revolution beginning to make headway, the events that take place within the film are at times tragic and at other times progressive, but the clash of ideals is always presented tastefully and without blame. (Marjorie Skinner) Fox Tower 10

The World
Director Zhang Ke Jia's lovely and meditative film concerns itself with reality as it is created and lived: with imitation landmarks that are nonetheless beautiful, with technological gadgets that promise transcendence, yet deliver only distraction. (Alison Hallett) Whitsell Auditorium

X-Men: The Last Stand
See review this issue. Regal Cinemas, etc.

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