THE THING “Uh oh, fellas. Pretty sure I saw an episode of Ancient Aliens about this very situation."

See review this issue. Various Theaters.

recommended Barbara Stanwyck: The Miracle Woman
A Barbara Stanwyck retrospective that's as much a showcase for the actress' immensely likeable screen persona as it is a survey of the workmanlike genres from Hollywood's golden age. For more info, see "Ball of Fire" [Film, Wed March 13] and NED LANNAMANN Whitsell Auditorium.

The Croods
Chris Sanders has co-directed two of the best animated films in recent memory: Disney's phenomenally underrated Lilo & Stitch and DreamWorks' excellent How to Train Your Dragon. His latest—co-directed with the guy behind Space Chimps, Kirk De Micco—lacks the charm and grace of those earlier films, but it's still, you know, fine. A prehistoric road trip movie, The Croods has a squabbling family of cavemen looking for a new home after earthquakes destroy their crappy cave; along the way, they meet up with about a billion adorable animals, all of whom look like they just jumped off the cover of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. There's familial bonding and running from oversized predators and a sloth named Belt who serves as a belt for one of the characters; with voicework from Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Catherine Keener, and Ryan Reynolds, it all goes by quickly enough. But if you've got Stitch or Dragon on DVD (AS YOU SHOULD), no need to bother. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

recommended The Dead Zone
Fun fact: David Cronenberg, Christopher Walken, and Stephen King like to call themselves "The Three Amigos." Laurelhurst Theater.

recommended Demons
See My, What a Busy Week! Hollywood Theatre.

The Faux Film Festival
The Faux Film Festival returns with its usual shtick of "faux commercials, faux trailers, spoofs, satires, parodies, and mockumentaries." More info: Clinton Street Theater.

recommended The Godfather
"This is Tom Hagen, calling for Vito Corleone, at his request. Now, you owe your don a service. He has no doubt that you will repay him." Hollywood Theatre.

recommended Hecklevision: Double Impact
Hecklevision—where your smartass texts pop up onscreen as the movie plays—finally goes where few have dared travel. Double Impact starts Jean-Claude Van Damme. As twins. It's like The Parent Trap. But better. Or worse. No, better. Obviously. Hollywood Theatre.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Steve Carell plays the titular Burt Wonderstone—an egotistical Vegas magician who, with his "magical friend" and partner Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi), finds his popularity threatened by a Criss Angel-esque street magician (Jim Carrey). So Wonderstone sets off to devise a show-stopping new trick—but complicating matters is a script that was apparently written by a bucket full of baby tears and leukemia. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Various Theaters.

The Kill Hole
A troubled vet living in Portland is tasked with tracking down an AWOL sniper. With a little help from the one and only Billy Zane! Living Room Theaters.

recommended My Amityville Horror
Daniel Lutz was 10 in 1975, when his family moved into 112 Ocean Avenue in Amityville, New York. They were the first occupants of the infamous home after Ronald DeFeo Jr. killed his entire six-person family inside. You probably know the rest: The Lutz family discovered their new house was haunted with swarms of flies, glowing red eyes, and levitating beds, and they left 28 days later—at which point the hoax accusations started. In the documentary My Amityville Horror, Daniel comes across as a very angry and scarred man who was heinously abused by his stepfather—looking back, it's obvious that something happened at the house, but it's less clear if it was demonic or parental or a confluence. It's a fascinating character study, with some questions answered and others left dangling. COURTNEY FERGUSON Hollywood Theatre.

Olympus Has Fallen
See review this issue. Various Theaters.

On the Road
Jack Kerouac's annoying, classic novel is given reverential film treatment, with all of Kerouac's ponderous post-adolescent bluster intact and none of his jazzy kinetic energy. You'd think Walter Salles (The Motorcycle Diaries) would be a great pick to make it all work onscreen, and his two unknown leads are fine as Kerouac and brother-in-arms Neal Cassady. But the movie worships the book's pages much too severely, making for a somber, serious, un-fun movie. Prestige cameos by Steve Buscemi, Elisabeth Moss, Amy Adams, and the back of Aragorn's naked weiner (playing the back of William S. Burrough's naked weiner) aren't enough to elicit interest, and Kristen Stewart and Kirsten Dunst are in it too, which doesn't help. NED LANNAMANN Living Room Theaters.

Reel Feminism
A film series sponsored by In Other Words Feminist Community Center. This month's film: I Was a Teenage Feminist. Clinton Street Theater.

recommended Spring Breakers
See review this issue. Various Theaters.

The silliest, murder-iest coming-of-age story since... I don't know, Dirty Dancing (if Dirty Dancing had been full of murdering), Stoker is the English-language debut from Park Chan-wook. Park's the South Korean director behind Oldboy, Lady Vengeance, and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. The great thing about the Vengeance Trilogy is how involving all of them are; despite their shocks and despite Park's showoffy stylistic flourishes, they're genuinely engaging stories. Maybe that's why Stoker feels so broken: It boasts a lot of that same luridness, but it's so tonally uneven that one's unable to tell what, if anything, the film's trying to do. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

recommended The Thing
See My, What a Busy Week! Hollywood Theatre.

Upside Down
A not-screened-for-critics sci-fi romance starring Kirsten Dunst. UGH. KIRSTEN DUNST. The worst. Fox Tower 10.

recommended The We and the I
See review this issue. Fox Tower 10.

recommended Who Framed Roger Rabbit
"Scotch on the rocks... and I mean ice." Hollywood Theatre.