Get It On 

C'Mon Smiths, Do It Already

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
dir. Liman
Opens Fri June 10
Various Theaters

Either you've heard it, or you know it from experience: the really good-looking people are the worst in bed. They're also the most boring, because they think they're fascinating from years of people staring longingly into they're baby blues. Well, watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith is exactly like spending two hours with two of those gorgeous-ass boring people, without even a chance of lackluster eye-candy sex. For shit's sake, the super-hunky Brad Pitt (John Smith) and perfectly pouty Angelina Jolie (Jane Smith) don't even bother to hump onscreen.

If you've seen the preview, you get the joke. John and Jane Smith are both assassins, although neither knows their spouse is one, too. John thinks Jane is a computer whiz, and Jane thinks John's in construction, even though he breaks cover every day by wearing a suit to work.

Anyway, for like 20 minutes of the movie the married assassins pussyfoot around each other, John running into his secret bunker to play with his guns and count his money, Jane unlocking her hidden oven chamber to admire her knife collection. It's stupid, boring, and totally predictable. (Warning: it's so predictable, I'm about to spoil the ending.)

Soon enough, the two are pitted against each other in a dangerous mission where they learn they've been shacking up with the enemy--after which, they promptly attempt to murder each other. This is the only tolerable part of the movie because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie beat the living, bloody Christ out of each other--Brad smashing Angelina's head into an grandfather clock, Angelina running Brad over with her car.

Too bad, then, that they have to team up.

Yes, surprisingly enough, the beauty queens eventually tumble into a not-so-sexy pile and proclaim their mutual love, despite the fact that they're complete strangers. And--don't ask why--but this powerful union makes John and Jane the two most "wanted" people in the world.

A big chase seen ensues, thousands of people die in the wake of the Smiths trying to save themselves, and the movie ends happily with the loving couple talking about how they have sex 10 times a week. Yippee for them, but even though it would only be slightly less boring than hearing them talk about it, I'd rather see the screwing for myself.

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