Get to Know Your Gay! 

A Scientific Breakdown of the Homosexual Subspecies

There's a very good reason straight people are afraid of the gays—because they think we're all the same! They see all homosexuals as either swishy (Jack from Will & Grace), or mentally retarded (Rosie O'Donnell). They have no idea of the myriad of subspecies that exist within gay culture! And so, in the spirit of openness, the Mercury is pleased to clear up any remaining heterosexual confusion with this short list of the many types of gays you see every day!

Rainbow Gays

Bright in plumage and boisterously exotic in their language, the Rainbow Gays [Cherus Fanus Maximus (male) and Ethridgus Obessesus (female)] are extremely social beings who crave the camaraderie of their own kind in large quantities. At least once a year, huge flocks of RbG converge, culminating in enormous and amusing outdoor festivals. During these spring/summer convergences, RbG perform elaborate "parading" rituals, sub-grouping themselves according to affiliation with their respective churches, businesses, drinking establishments, and fetish lifestyles. During the rest of the year, RbG can be observed at local watering holes that play droning pop and dance music from the '70s, '80s, and '90s, looking severely depressed. MLS

Business Gays

More often than not employed in his company's marketing department, the business (or professional) fag is normally handsome, sports a Nordstrom wardrobe, and belongs to an athletic club. He can usually be spotted with an overweight female coworker during lunch and cigarette breaks. Additionally, the business gay drives a foreign-made car with a sunroof, dines at fondue restaurants, and faithfully (and unapologetically) collects DVDs of the television series Felicity. Though college-educated, a business gay is not normally well-read (except for his subscriptions to Out and Condé Nast). Though normally more adventurous in travel than his lesbian counterparts, the business gay usually confines himself to Key West or Amsterdam for holidays. WG

Boy Scout Leaders

In the great outdoors, Boy Scout Leaders teach underage children to appreciate nature, camping techniques, and proper technique for hot boy-on-boy action. Scout Leaders provide badges to boys who succeed in a variety of erotic activities: Tying knots for use in sadomasochism, pain-free anal lubrication, and how to give a spectacular blowjob inside a sleeping bag. As a final test, Scout Leaders teach boys how to clean the sticky residue off their chins after sucking creamy, gooey marshmallows off hot sticks. EJ

Realtor Lesbians

Although this is the lesbian most likely to paint her toenails, a realtor lesbian never wears open-toed shoes or sandals--even on the beach. Almost always partnered (to another professional lesbian), a realtor lesbian drives either a newer-model Volvo or Subaru--her partner drives the other. Aside from birthdays and anniversaries, the realtor lesbian seldom goes out at night for urban entertainment. When she does, the night consists of a meal at a sushi restaurant followed by a trip to a video store (where she never browses beyond the New Release wall). Additionally, realtor lesbians often raise adopted children. The comic strip For Better or For Worse covers her household's refrigerator and serves as a strict model for child-rearing. (Important: Never refer to her as a "realtress.") WG

Healthy Gays

Mainly diurnal (or day-happening), the HG or "Fagus NO-Fast-Foodus," has a strict lifestyle of diet, exercise, and sleep from which they rarely stray. Rising early in the morning, they stretch their bodies tall toward the sun, using a learned practice called "yoga." Because the HG requires large amounts of vitamins and perfect-proteins, it tends to feed every two to three hours on Balance Bars, fresh fruits and vegetables, protein shakes, and lean white meats or tofu. (See Healthy Gays subspecies "Vegetarianus.") The HG can be seen running, walking, cycling or swimming in close proximity to any Whole Foods location nationwide. Strict adherence to said diet and exercise regime helps regulate the number of HG in existence at any given time. Many, finding it too strenuous or "hard" to avoid McDonald's Big Macs and Starbucks Frappuccinos on a daily basis, actually metamorphose into what is commonly known as the UnHealthy Gay (i.e. actor John Goodman or retard mimic Rosie O'Donnell). MLS

Soccer Lesbians

Invariably cooler than basketball lesbians (soccer lesbians smoke reefer), these women keep the Umbro sportswear corporation in business. The luckier soccer lesbians attend all-girls' schools; those who don't typically come out during the first semester of college. Though they refrain from dating boys in high school, they usually attend prom with a closeted gay boy. 99% of soccer lesbians prefer Ani DiFranco to Indigo Girls, Michelle Tea to Rita Mae Brown, and Tang to Kool-Aid. Despite their general high intellect, the large number of soccer lesbians keeps many of them from becoming university mathematics professors. Some go on to teach middle school science; the rest become either BARISTA LESBIANS or METERMAID LESBIANS (see below). WG

"I'm Not Gay!!!" Gays (or Might Be Gay Gays)

Just recently a celebrity specimen of this species was caught on LIVE TELEVISION! During the recent taping of a popular daytime talk show, an INGG--who was being interviewed about his upcoming blockbuster movie and supposed "romance" with a virginal member of the opposite sex--began exhibiting classic (and dare I say, frightening) traits of an INGG on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He hooted, hollered, and cackled like a rooster, baring big white teeth and jumping on the furniture. Meanwhile, his supposed female "mate" waited coquettishly backstage, and in a burst of ebullience, the INGG ran backstage and grabbed his now cowering female companion, attempting to drag her out onto the stage with him. But like any trapped animal, she resisted, broke free, and ran. The INGG, ever resolute in affecting a front of normalcy to his clear insanity, told the interviewer and the audience that she was "shy." We can only hope that the INGG footage captured that day will finally illustrate to a doubting public, once and for all, the sad, but true, plight of the "I'm Not Gay!!!" gay. MLS

Barista Lesbians

A former soccer player, the barista lesbian works herself through her undergraduate degree at a state college. Although most of her lesbian friends have been relegated to the same fate, she seldom realizes her women's studies or psychology degree will not snag her a better job. Previously seen at the now-defunct Meow Meow and Chez What?, she listens to Mirah and Bikini Kill--however, though not deaf herself, she refuses to attend these shows unless they are sign-interpreted. She follows a vegan diet, plans to backpack across Thailand someday, and typically enjoys Ben Stiller movies. Some barista lesbian jargon includes the words "hella" (meaning "very" or "much": "I was hella nervous.") and "process" (meaning "discuss": "Jen and Nikki are back together after they processed for five hours last night."). WG

Transgenders

A subgroup that stridently believes they should be included in every tangential discussion of homosexuality, and when they are included, immediately insist they've been misrepresented. WSH

High School Wrestlers

Typically coming out late in life, a knob jockey of this sort tends to date-rape girls as well as gay-bash in order to suppress his insatiable desire to be chock-full of cock. Though all high school wrestlers are gay to begin with, they are not necessarily bottoms before they begin "playing" the sport. It's the uniform--a form-fitting lycra singlet--that turns what would be a normal versatile faggot into a gaping cum dumpster. Former wrestlers comprise the majority of those who purchase gay erotic fiction, as well as tickets to Vin Diesel films. WG

Pedophiles

NAMBLA. Michael Jackson (allegedly). Marjorie Skinner (more than likely). Same-sex pedophiles are often misunderstood and villainized by society at large, and sacrificed in the courtroom as scapegoats for our own guilt-ridden sexualization of children. Pedophilia can be recognized by any combination of the following: parenthood; a handlebar mustache; cream-colored, cable-knit sweaters; wire-rimmed glasses; excessive amounts of childhood fame and plastic surgery; and an interest in careers involving children or childcare. Symptoms include: anxiety; sleeplessness; nausea; unexplained headaches; fatigue; and a strong desire to shop at Baby Gap. EJ

WAM (waiter/actor/model) GAYS

The WAM Gay, or "Lookit Me-us," exists mostly in the five boroughs of New York City, parts of southern California, and windy stretches of the Chicago lakefront area, and is considered a feral descendent of the classical Shakespearean "Serving Wench" Gay who probably arrived via trading vessels in the early 1800s. Once here, their numbers multiplied faster than anyone could have imagined, leaving few "food and beverage service" jobs for anyone without the proper bone structure and breast (or pectoral) augmentation. Known for their drop-dead good looks and holier-than-thou attitudes, WAM Gays have hawk-like vision, which they use to spot celebrities, movie producers, casting directors, and talent agents in their "sections." Once spotted, the WAM Gay circles its prey, swooping in to make obsequious conversation and refill ice tea. On the rare occasion that a WAM Gay is actually "discovered," he or she may gain regular employment within the entertainment industry. What is most striking though, is the urge of the former WAM Gay, now called a Closeted Homosexual Actor, to return to their former feeding grounds and perform ritualistic hazings of the new generation of WAM Gays; which usually entails sending back their entrees upwards of three times and then tipping less than 10 percent. MLS

Straight (STR8) Acting Gays

Happily thought to be extinct, the STR8AG or "Fagacrombius Zombius," is a subspecies that ran rampant within the gay dating culture in the mid-to-late '90s. Much to the chagrin of its mortal enemy, the Gay Acting Gay (or GAG), the STR8AG has of late seen a resurgence in numbers, which may be a direct correlation to draconian and inhospitable conditions being established in large geographical areas of America, known in the common vernacular as "Red States." One can easily spot a STR8AG by his brightly colored T-shirts emblazoned with faintly faux-hetero party boy insignias such as, "Two Beers Away From Beautiful," and "Drunk Me Home I'm Drive." Can be observed responding positively to vocal calls such as: "Dude," "Broseph," and "Fuckface." MLS

Children

All children, especially male children, are homosexuals. Clever and skillfully manipulative, children everywhere successfully convince their parents that they're only playing "videogames" in the rumpus room, or playing "war" in the forest with the neighborhood boys. In truth, young boys across the nation are educating one another in the pleasures of unprotected sodomy and outdoor fellatio. The unpublicized gay scene amongst children has thrived since the dawn of time; bathroom stalls in elementary schools, the backyards of suburban homes, and birthday party sleepovers are all hotbeds of amoral homosexual activity. EJ

Art Fags

Boasting gelled-to-look-mussed hair juxtaposed with a neatly-trimmed beard and designer eyeware (worn whether he needs glasses or not), an art fag has a Pabst in his hand more often than a paintbrush. A "conceptual" artist who attends gallery openings more for networking (read: handjobs) and the full bar, he prints his requisite manifesto on his requisite homepage or in his requisite blog. Although he may not know of Diane Arbus, he certainly knows about Carrie Bradshaw. He usually adores zombie movies or anything starring Karen Black, strews his loft with glossy magazines and photography books, and listens to Scissor Sisters MP3s. WG

Priests

At some point in their adolescent development, most young boys struggle between two life paths: the stony road of diet pills, fashion photography, self-tanning, and internet prostitution, or the life of a priest. Priests are often known in both religious circles and sex clubs as persuasive recruitment officers, working their hot asses off to convert more and more people to the cause of homosexual abandon. God is gay--and priests, carrying out their duty as earthly singing telegrams from the Almighty, have always known this to be true. Religious preoccupation with fashion has long been recognized by the Pope, who wouldn't be caught dead outside the Vatican in anything less than a fabulous outfit. Gay priests can be found in churches of all denominations, sodomizing young novitiates on the pulpit. EJ

Jail Gays

Once presumably straight, these gays get gay super-fast upon arriving in the slammer. Normally convicted of small-time, non-violent felonies, these whisper-thin jailbirds are almost always unable to defend themselves within the confines of a harsh penal system, and quickly find themselves on the receiving end of a very different kind of "penal system." They can usually be easily spotted thanks to their clothing choices, which consist of bandanas worn around the head Aunt Jemima-style, button up shirts tied up in a knot, and shorty short shorts. They are most often found bent over a machine in the laundry room, unless they are Martha Stewart--who prefers to be bent over a pile of immaculately folded cocktail napkins. WSH

Policemen

If you've ever wondered about those burly guys swaggering around town in fabulous navy blue suits, sexy leather holsters, and fashionable aviator sunglasses, allow me to explain: Those are faggots. Police forces emerged in cities across America as a reaction against the increasingly sissified and fashion-conscious gay club scene, and remain a masculine safe-haven for queers of all kinds. The locker rooms of police stations are filled with orgiastic gang-banging to the music of the Village People. Our boys in blue have also perfected the use of police batons as dildos. Recently, the world of ass-banging policemen has been popularized by the popular television drama Third Watch--a triumph of visibility for the gay rights movement. EJ

Halfway Lesbians

A surprisingly large segment of the college-age population, "halfway lesbians" are whole-heartedly dykish while within the confines of Reed College, but after graduation almost always return to dating and marrying straight male Republicans. Halfway lesbians can also be extremely annoying, because they invariably break the hearts of their REAL lesbian girlfriends, and even worse, never invite me into bed for a threesome. WSH

Gus Van Sant House Boy Gays

With their flaxen hair, pale clear skin, and rosy nipples, the GVSHBG, or "Mi-Own Private Elephantus," are typically coaxed away from family and friends on their 18th birthday with promises of great success in "indie" films. Perched high above the Gregory Building in downtown Portland, Oregon, the penthouse lair of the GVSHBG is fully stocked with three big-screen plasma televisions, comfy wraparound couches that easily convert to beds for spur of the moment sleepovers, a comprehensive hidden library of "Barely Legal" art films, and a private helicopter pad for secure and discreet transport. The GVSHBG lives primarily off pepperoni pizza, Doritos, gummi worms, and Coke products, since their palette has yet to mature. Like their Latin-flavored cousin, the Menudo Gay, the GVSHBG has a very short shelf life. When they reach the age of 20, they are once again released into the wild to forage and fend for themselves, often attempting to sell their stories (with little success) to smutty tabloid magazines like the Mercury. MLS

Gay-Hating Gays

Gay-hating gays are more common than you think. This type of faggot is constantly criticizing and railing against all camps of gay culture for fear of becoming assimilated. A peculiar blend of proud homosexuality and light-hearted revolt, the gay-hating gay deliberately agitates other gay stereotypes, subcultures like the Bears, and fabulous television programs like Queer as Folk and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. While he uses his so-called "wit" to skewer and lampoon his gay brothers and sisters, in truth his outrage is merely a way of overcompensating for his inability to obtain sex, and his laughably small penis. (See: "Get to Know Your Gay," this issue, by authors Michael Lon Svoboda, Will Gardner, Wm. Steven Humphrey, and Evan James.) EJ

Homo Depot Gays

First spotted in the mid-1980s in the "track lighting" aisles of urban lighting stores, they can now be found roaming the concrete-floored aisles of any Home Depot or Lowe's Home Improvement Center nationwide. The HDG or "Homo Projecticus Domesticus," is rarely seen without his or her mate, with whom they are undoubtedly building a nest. The males dress "Saturday Casual" which includes khakis, a fun, irreverent, baggy T-shirt with a sweater (or hoody) tied around the waist, and a pair of functional sneakers--perfect for a day of shopping, painting, and installing. The female varies greatly from the male of the species, possessing a punky or "butch" haircut, and dressing in either baggy cut-off Carhart painter's pants or a pair of OshKosh B'Gosh cover-alls she's had since art school. MLS

Dykes on Bikes

The DOB (or "Womenus Motorcycleus Contingentius" ) first began making their presence felt in 1976, during a Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco. Known for their tough leathery exteriors (and soft sweet interiors), these fun-lovin' ladies like nothing more than to cozy up to a warm engine block, and ride with the wind blowing through their hair (and preferably with another topless lady hugging them from behind). Nipple piercings, tattoos, and large silver rings made of hardware have been found to be indicators of the DOB. CAUTION: One should exhibit extreme caution when approaching the DOB, as they are extremely territorial and will "kick the shit out of any asshole" who gets too close to their ride. MLS

Football Coaches

It's an undeniable fact that "football" is the gayest sport of all time. Full of suggestive squatting positions, aggressive full-body contact, and erotic costumes, football attracts more faggots than any other sport. And not just fans: Football coaches have long been responsible for orchestrating sweaty locker-room fuck-fests between linebackers and quarterbacks. Football coaches love a good post-practice three-way in the shower. The gayest football coaches are found in high schools, and can often be identified by their overenthusiastic interest in male bonding, bodybuilding, and "away games"--a convenient excuse to skull-fuck high school athletes on a darkened bus. EJ

Metermaid Lesbians

A former soccer player too chunky or humorless to work as a barista, a metermaid lesbian usually has greater occupational aspirations--but fails the OSPIRG hiring test. She intends for the job to be temporary (until she finishes Chiropractic School), but once she begins ticketing offenders, she embarks on a mission. It becomes not only a crusade against parking violators but against all those who have ever wronged her--fellow soccer players who make her Chai at Coffee People, and "half way lesbian" Anne Heche. Though not usually a sellout before monitoring meters, the job's lack of imagination compels her to act similarly insipid in ways atypically lesbian. For instance, she may begin amassing John Grisham novels and Stargate 1 box sets. Like her Sapphic sisters, though, she does wear ankle socks and attends Melissa Etheridge concerts. WG

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