If you really love your family and friends... then why not give them the most thoughtful gift of all--PROTECTION.

A Can Of Corn

To the common eye, a can of corn is just a common grocery item. But in the hands of the fighters on your list, this seemingly harmless object blossoms into a ferocious instrument of carnage. Invading terrorists will hoot, "Ho, ho, ho!" when approached with this stealth weapon. But when you slip off your sock, drop in the can, then swing it high to make satisfying contact with their skulls, you can bet they'll never scoff at a can of corn again! After the clobber-fest, your loved ones can dine on the nutrient-rich kernels; plus, when the can is empty, the jagged lid makes a killer Chinese throwing star. Truly a-maize-ing!

Available at any local grocery.


Good for anthrax infections AND urinary tract infections, Cipro is THE must-have gift of the season. Terrific for young and old alike; though those under 18 shouldn't take it unless they have inhalation anthrax. Cipro may cause nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal pain/discomfort, headache, rash, and restlessness.

Cipro, about $4 a pill; Available at your local pharmacy with a doctor's prescription. Or on any street corner in Tijuana.


Give the gift of security. Hulking, stoic bodyguards now in stock! Whether dressed in plainclothes or handsomely uniformed, bodyguards are the perfect, no-frills way to say, "You're important enough to be assassinated." Trained and humorless, these bodyguards are like walking mountains of muscle just waiting to "neutralize" your attackers and use whatever force necessary to bring down your foes. Not guaranteed to resemble Kevin Costner or to take a bullet. One week advance notice required.

Body Guard, prices vary according to length of stay
Advanced Security, Inc, 222-5381

Sword Cane

Disguised as a walking cane, your enemies will be lulled into the perception that you are both lame and feeble. But unsheathe this 23.5-inch stainless steel blade from its handsome embroidered casing, and you'll be slicing and dicing your unsuspecting foe faster than he can say "Oh god. That's not a cane it's a swo... " Available in both black and mahogany.

Sword Cane, $49.95

A Goat

The most felicitously flexible of working animals, a goat provides milk, meat, hauling (of very small objects), and companionship in your bunker. However, contrary to everything you've learned from Looney Tunes, goats cannot exist on a diet of tin cans alone. Share your rations. The Gedemark Ranch website--if the Internet isn't completely shut down by the war--has lots of information about caring for and (should it come to that) slaughtering your new friend. (Word to the wise: Avoid Tennessee fainting goats, whose muscles tend to lock up when frightened, causing them to freeze and tip over.)

Goat from Gedemark Boer goat ranch, $400-$600
57004 N SR 225 NW, Benton City, WA, 99320, 509-588-4114; www.greatgoats.com