The holidays are a great time to experience as much sexual coitus as possible. But what about those who are too ugly or deformed to have sex? Here are some helpful hints sure to make any horny holiday brighter.

A Whore

Immoral, illegal, and infinitely more satisfying than a sock full of LEGOs, a hot, humpy professional sex worker is the universal gift no one can refuse--or return! Orgasms release tension and anxiety, flood the system with endorphins, and take one's tortured mind off collapsing towers and bioterrorism completely. However, acquiring the "gift" is tricky. Remember: Location, location, location! Physical pleasure is a thoughtful gift; scabies is not. Ignore the sad trade wandering around 82nd and stick with the classier female models available in the lounges of Portland's upscale hotels or listed in the back pages of this paper. But remember, good trade don't come cheap ($150 per hour and up) and presentation of your gift is key. Be creative! Have the "gift" pre-oiled and ready under the tree Christmas morning!

Passion Throw

Tired of tackling your lover, pinning 'em down, and wrestling their clothes off just to get 'em naked? Well, the sexy new game Passion Throw follows the rules of Candy Land--but instead of getting a sugary treat, you get some hot naked ass. The game board is actually a large blanket, where you roll big fuzzy dice to land on spots that say "give your partner a butt massage" or "rub your parts together and make some hot steaming gravy." Ha ha, just kidding about the gravy, but just in case you're curious? The blanket is machine-washable.

Passion Throw, $24.95

Oral Caress: The Loving Guide To Exciting A Woman: A Comprehensive Illustrated Manual On The Joyful Art Of Cunnilingus

Who doesn't love munching a little rug over the holidays, eh? Trouble is, an "enthusiastic" rug-muncher doesn't necessarily equal a "skilled" rug-muncher! But don't worry, this book by Robert W. Birch will give the perfect gentle nudge to that eager-beaver lover of yours, without damaging his pride too much. Complete with comprehensive illustrations and VERY explicit directions, anyone who reads this guide will automatically be endowed with the ability to lick just about any size, shape, or smell of clitoris into unmatched, trembling, orgasmic ecstasy. And you thought you guys were going to have to break up!

Oral Caress, $19.95

Pussy Snorkel

Dating people with allergies is a pain in the ass. Why? 'Cause they're always heeing and hawing about how they can't breathe while giving cunnilingus. While tempting, the solution isn't to call your lover a pussy, but to buy them a Pussy Snorkel. This handy device gets much needed air to those nose holes and saves you the hassle of having to roll their suffocated carcass out of bed.

Pussy Snorkel, $12.95