New Column!
"Dangers of the Modern World" Trading Card Series -- Collect Them All!
TRADING CARD SERIES
Collect Them All!!
#3 ELECTRICITY
WHAT IS IT? "Electricity" is the movement of small particles called electrons
and protons. It flows through wires and accumulates on socks. It was invented
by the ancient Greeks and improved upon by Benjamin Franklin.
ELECTRICITY PROS: Applied to nerve endings, electricity can be used to
reanimate a severed frog's leg. The recent discovery of crude, ancient batteries
leads Biblical scholars to believe electricity may have been used to "resurrect"
Jesus after his entombment. Electricity can also make balloons stick to the
wall with no tape or glue!
ELECTRICITY CONS: Electricity can shock you, and if the voltage is high enough,
cause bones to instantly liquefy! It is not unknown for electricity to "leak"
from wall sockets, forming invisible pools of horrible, lurking death.
CONCLUSION: Electricity is one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"
#4 SQUIRRELS
WHAT ARE THEY? The smallest members of the kangaroo family, "squirrels" are
tiny creatures with strong hindlegs and well-developed, hairy tails. They vary
in color, and are often seen in trees or television commercials eating nuts.
SQUIRREL PROS: Open-minded and remarkably tolerant, squirrels are the most non-judgmental
of all marsupials. They also hibernate all winter, and can be taught to water-ski.
SQUIRREL CONS: Squirrels like to hide in piles of dead leaves before leaping
out to bite the passing ankle, spreading such diseases as Rabies, Alzheimer's,
and Chlamydia. Squirrels reproduce asexually. When splashed with water, a squirrel's
hide forms angry red blisters which in minutes sprout new squirrels. Left unchecked,
in one year the offspring of a single, moistened squirrel could develop into
a 20-foot thick blanket covering the entire earth.
CONCLUSION: Squirrels are one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"
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