By Nany McKeon
"Hi, everybody! I'm Nancy McKeon. You may remember me as the vivacious Jo Polniaczek from The Facts of Life. I'm really interested in your urinary problems... especially burning pee! So send me your questions, care of this paper. Okay? Okay!!"
Dear Ms. McKeon:
You're a lesbian, right? I'm a lesbian, too, and when I was young I loved watching you on The Facts of Life. In fact, I kinda fantasized about you and Blair going down on each other. Anyway, I don't really have any urinary questions, I just wanted you to know that I'm a big fan, and it's great to see a strong lesbian in print.
Oh boy. Look, I'm NOT a lesbian, OK? Excuse my French, but gosh flippin' damn it! How many times do I have to say it? Yes, I wore jeans and a vest in the show. Yes, I had a mullet. But I was playing a TOMBOY, okay? Not a lesbian! And furthermore, as I said last week, oral copulation is completely GROSS. The vagina is the birthplace of burning pee, and mouths should not go there! So... okay? I'm not a lesbian, and thanks for writing. I guess.
I read that letter last week about the guy who accused you of giving the editor a blowjob? You got to ignore shit like that. He's just jealous, and who cares anyway 'cause you're gay, right? Besides, sounds like giving blowjobs might be a better job for "Tootie." Get it? "Tootie"? That's a joke! Just kiddin'. Anyway, love the column, and LOVE Facts of Life! P.S. Do you ever see Mrs. Garrett?
Oh... my... God. That is just so offensive on so many levels! I mean, first of all, was there a burning pee question in there? ANYWHERE? I'm not here to talk about The Facts of Life, giving oral copulation, or whether I'm a lesbian or not, WHICH I'M MOST DEFINITELY NOT! I'm here to talk about pee--burning pee--and I would really, really, really appreciate some letters on the subject of burning pee! So do more of that. Oh, and I think Mrs. Garrett is dead. I don't know. Good question, though.
Need urinary advice? Write "It Burns When I'm Peein,'" c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave., Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210.