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Ask Laurie Lewellen

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The World's Foremost
Authority on
Benicio Del Toro!

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Ask Laurie Lewellen

For our special Benicio Del Toro issue, we are pleased to present "Ask Laurie Lewellen: The World's Foremost Authority on Benicio Del Toro" as reprinted from Ms. Lewellen's website at www.ilovebenicio.com.--Editor

Apparently I am not the only person fascinated by the ever-alluring Mr. Del Toro. Here are some recent missives in which questions are asked, and I, as the world's foremost authority on Mr. Del Toro, shall endeavor to answer.--Laurie

Dear Laurie: Does anyone have eyes more beautiful than Benicio Del Toro?--Patti

My answer to that question would be an unequivocal "no." No, they do not. No one has eyes that even come close to rivaling the luminescent beauty of Del Toro's deep and thoughtful orbs. In truth, the question is by turns ridiculous; would one compare a ratted fishing net to the hair of an angel? Would one say the purity of a baby's first tear is anything remotely similar to a dirty cracked cup filled with medical waste? Of course not. God himself should be so lucky as to gaze upon his creation with eyes as knowing, as radiant, and as filled with joyous merriment as Mr. Benicio Del Toro. I hope this response satisfies you.

Dear Laurie: Benicio looked pretty tubby in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.--Stan

Interesting remark. At least it is interesting in the sense that I have never heard any statement so immersed in vitriolic idiocy. Anyone with the slightest knowledge of Mr. Del Toro's body of work would immediately recall the 1998 interview in Cineaste magazine in which he spoke eloquently on gaining 45 lbs. in nine weeks for his brilliant and nuanced portrayal of Oscar Zeta Acosta in the Hunter S. Thompson-penned comedy/drama. When queried on how one could gain so much weight so fast, Mr. Del Toro quipped, "By eating chairs, tables, buildings, and bridges." Then adding, "but what really pushed the balance was donuts." Here we find Mr. Del Toro commenting on an idiotic question with a degree of aplomb and whimsy that you, unfortunately, could never attain were you suddenly granted the cumulative brains of Oscar Wilde, Arthur Rimbaud, and Jacques Derrida. And until that fortunate occurrence transpires, please discontinue any correspondence with my fan page.

Dear Laurie: The world needs Benicio wallpaper!--Lisa

And regardless of what musician/raconteur John Lennon once mused, that is all we need.

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