HAPPY NEW YEAR "This movie's so bad it's making me poop my sweatpants!" —Pregnant Jessica Biel

NEW YEAR'S EVE is the new movie from the same people who brought you last year's Valentine's Day. Much like their last effort, this film loads the cast with B-listers and about a dozen intertwining love stories. And also like Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve totally blows.

This is the story of a bunch of people in New York City on—guess when?! This movie was written for maximum marquee power: There are frazzled career women (Hilary Swank, Sarah Jessica Parker, Katherine Heigl), loveable lotharios (Ashton "Douche King" Kutcher, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron), and a bunch of "huh?" wasted talents (Ludacris, Michelle Pfeiffer, Seth Meyers, Jessica Biel, fucking Jon Bon Jovi, Halle Berry, Robert De Niro, Sofía Vergara). Everybody is all, "BUT IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE!' and "NEW BEGINNINGS!," but most of the time they are just trying to choke out enough backstory for their subplots to seem interesting. But none of it is.

There is not enough space in this paper to get into each character's story, so here are some highlights: Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele get trapped in an elevator and I liked it because what if they could stay trapped there forever?! Hilary Swank talks about balls dropping a lot. Jon Bon Jovi is not a very believable teen heartthrob. Sofía Vergara says boring things with a thick accent and everybody laughs. Seth Meyers seems embarrassed.

You know what the lamest part is? When this shitstorm was wrapping up, I realized that the best story in the junker was Zac Efron's. He is a bike messenger who says "bro" a bunch. And he is the best one.

Also, New Year's Eve (and Valentine's Day before it) stole this idea from Love Actually, which is a perfect film. No holiday-based ensemble movie will ever be as good. But I'm sure Hollywood will keep trying. And who knows, maybe Flag Day will be okay.