"Oh! My Bursitis!"
by JB Rabin

If you've ever been out of the house, you probably know what it's like to be at a dinner party stuck talking to the guy who wants to relate every detail of his recent breakup. And you've also likely experienced being at a house party full of drunken idiots when you are completely sober. Never fear, all is not lost; here are some sure fire ways to survive--nay, enjoy!--a party you wish you'd never been invited to. It's called "How To Have Fun At the Expense of Others."

1. LIE

Lying is a tried-and-true method of getting through uncomfortable events (see: every Democratic and Republican National Convention since the beginning of time). It's simple: just make shit up. When people ask you what brought you to Portland, say "Jesus Christ." If they want to know what you do for a living, tell them you're a circus net tester and have only broken your back once. Introduce yourself to everyone with a different name. (Be warned, though: this technique guarantees you will meet someone you really like, and to whom you will later have to come clean as a lying, cheating, phony.)


Do you know what Bursitis is? No? Neither does anyone else, so pretend you have it the next time you find yourself wanting to peel your skin off at a party. Start coughing wildly and say, "Sorry, it's just my bursitis acting up again." Or you could randomly start twitching and when someone asks you if you're alright say, "Yeah, not to worry, I just have a really bad case of athlete's foot."


Before arriving at the "evening of pain" pick an inappropriate phrase you and your friends will pepper throughout your conversations with strangers. For example: "electric leather pants," "asbestos conquistador vest," or "purple vinyl siding." Whoever says it the most, wins. You only get points, though, if you can pull it off without anyone looking at you sideways.

If all else fails try: drinking heavily, finding someone to have sex with, and if worse comes to absolute worse, leaving.