New Column!

By Armand Melwicki

Oh, boy! Look at dis feesh. Hey, she's a beauty, no? Look at it. No, look at it! It's yellow, and beautiful and full of scales. You want to touch it? Well, go on! Touch it! Nooooo. It won't bite. It's dead, dis feesh. You don't want to touch it? Hey, that's okay! Just look...look at the feesh. Ohhhh, yes, that's one good-looking feesh, all right.

You know... you know, sometimes I look at dis feesh, and I say, "Hey. Dis feesh looks so good... I could eat it." I could! I could just CHOMP! take a bite out of it. You think you could find a feesh dis good-looking at the... uh... what do you say... feesh market? No, sir! Not a feesh like dis! Dis feesh right here, he's the king of feesh. Sir Feesh. Baron Feesh. Viscount Feesh. I don't know... you call him what you want. But that's a royal feesh!

How much you pay for a feesh like dis? Huh? How much? You know the Japanese, sometimes they pay a thousand dollars for the good feesh. Feesh that go in the sushi. You Japanese? No? Hey, that's okay. It's not for sale anyway. No, I love dis feesh. It's the best, dis one. I love it soooo much. I love it so much I could kiss it. Look... look at me. I'll kiss the feesh. No, I'm not joking. Just watch. I'll kiss the feesh. Okay... here I go... kissing the feesh. Mmmmmmmm-WAH!

Ha! I did it! Ha, Ha, Haaaa! I kissed the feesh! And let me tell you, it looks better than it tastes! Ha! Ha! HA! AH-HA-HA-HAAAAA! Oh, yes. Yes. Looks better than it tastes. Haaaa. Ahhh, yes... no. I'm just kidding around. But it looks good, doesn't it? Dis feesh? Yesssssssssss. Look at dis feesh.

Your comments, please. Write "Hey! Look at Dis Feesh!" c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210.