AS ONE SORORITY SISTER says in Sorority Row, "Hos before bros." I'm sorry, but no. There's so much constant ho-on-ho emotional abuse that one can't believe these tramps are looking out for each other's lingerie-clad backs. It should be more like, "Hos before bros—unless you might turn me into the cops for accidentally killing my fellow Greek sister, in which case I'm totally going to be bitchy and/or kill your brother with my Escalade, and meanwhile, that serial killer is totally stalking me with his pimped-out death tool of a carjack." Exhausting, yes, but at least it's factually accurate.
Watch I Know What You Did Last Summer. Okay, that's the plot of Sorority Row—dumbed down to a Rocks for Jocks level. Instead of the depraved Gorton's Fisherman, there's a bloodthirsty dude in a graduation gown. Instead of pretty people to look at, there's Rumer Willis and Audrina Patridge. Want gore and jumpy thrills? Nope, sorry. Sorority Row is just boring, with its ugly digital video (note to the cinematographer: order some Proactiv for the cast if that's your preferred shooting medium), grating characters, and uninspired violence.
A taste of the crap Ho Row dishes out: A group of Theta Pi douchbaguettes convince a dude that he should date rape one of their sisters at a party, thinking that then this sis will pretend to be dead to scare the bejezus out of said dude. Dudded up in lacy underthings, the group o' tramps then drives out to a lake in the middle of nowhere to ditch the body. But shit-for-brains dude/date rapist stabs the girl through the lungs to ensure that the body will sink. "Oh no!," the hos shriek. "Well, we'd better just dump her body down a well and go back to the party." Eight months later the magna dumb laude killer comes to kill them all, one by one. Ugh. Excuse me, I'm just going to take this Brillo pad into the shower for a couple hours.