Homopocalypse! 

Or, Terrible Things That Have Happened in States That Passed Same-Sex Marriage

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AS WE CONSIDER marriage equality in Oregon, it's important that we step back and look at all the terrible things that have happened to other states that took that plunge. While science hasn't borne out any conservative fears about crumbling families, they have been right about one thing: In every single state where it's been legalized, gay marriage has caused a homopocalypse.

Ever since Massachusetts became the first state to legalize gay marriage in 2004, the United States hasn't been the same. The deterioration of traditional marriage caused the housing market to explode, stock markets to bottom out, and the United States' credit rating to drop from AAA to AA+—which means we no longer get roadside assistance if the country breaks down. Even the ocean was so sickened at the idea of couples whose genitals don't fit comfortably inside each other making emotional commitments, it vomited oil all over the Gulf of Mexico, ruining the taste of gumbo (and, you know, other bad stuff).

God punished Massachusetts especially hard for their pioneering role in gay marriagification. In the first three years it was legal in that state, per capita funding for public higher education decreased from $158 to $137, the murder rate rose from 171 to 184, and the show Boston Public went from being on TV to not being on TV.

Motivated by their disgust at happy gay people, the Boston Celtics went on a tear, winning their division five of the next seven years. We in Oregon do not need the scourge of a winning basketball team—traffic in the Rose Quarter is already bad enough.

Even more chilling is the story of California, which performed same-sex marriages for five months in 2008. It was the same year Hollywood released The Love Guru, Speed Racer, AND Twilight. If we legalize gay marriage in Oregon, we might be personally responsible for additional Twilight movies. Is that a risk we want to take? I'll answer my own question: no. That's a risk we want to stab in the heart with a sparkly stake.

Iowa has allowed gay marriage since 2009 and in that time it has completely and totally continued to be Iowa. Statistically speaking, that means if we were to legalize same-sex nuptials, we would have a one in 12 chance of being Iowa! I shudder just thinking about it.

Other countries have experimented with legalizing marriage equality nationwide to equally devastating results. In 2010, Iceland started tying gay knots and that same year, the band Of Monsters and Men was formed. While there is still no increase in the number of people marrying dogs, monsters and men forming indie bands together is almost as scary.

Did you know Iceland doesn't have any ice? The most likely explanation is that the gays took all the ice to chill their wedding champagne. That's the only reasonable answer. By staying safely homophobic, Greenland has kept all of its greenness and the South Sandwich Islands has managed to stay the sandwich capital of the world (I assume; I've not been to either place).

In 2012, gay marriage hit closer to home. Washington State legalized it by popular vote and we may have to build a bigger I-5 bridge to Vancouver just to accommodate the outflow of gayness.

When it comes time to vote on this critical issue, we'll have to answer three simple questions:

1) Do we want to seem like we're copying Washington?

2) Do we want to risk turning into Iowa?

3) Do we want crude oil all over our gumbo?

If we answer no to any of these questions, gay people will simply have to be satisfied staying in their long-term loving relationships without the tax benefits—just like God intended.

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