In case you're not familiar with the premise of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies, in brief: Four friends have a pair of ridiculously tacky pants that magically fit all of them. When they wear the pants, miracles happen. Disappointingly, though, the miracle that is the elusive non-sucky chick flick is nowhere to be found.
Here, the girls have parted ways for college, and their summer plans involve one ridiculous scenario after another. Bridget (Blake Lively) learns the truth behind her mother's suicide. Lena (Alexis Bledel) decides she's not cut out for an open relationship. Tibby (Amber Tamblyn) has a pregnancy scare (more on that in a minute). Carmen (America Ferrera) mopes around because she thinks her friends are ditching her. The convergence of this many buzz-kill storylines in one movie is the cinematic equivalent of simultaneously experiencing PMS, menopause, and postpartum depression.
The generally unlikeable ensemble doesn't help matters. Gossip Girl's Blake Lively is undeniably gorgeous but struggles with "emoting" and "not being annoying," while Alexis Bledel's number has been up ever since she chose Logan over Jess in season six of Gilmore Girls. Amber Tamblyn has some natural charm and, unlike the rest of this insipid lot, can actually deliver a punch line, which makes it all the more unfortunate that she's saddled with a particularly grating storyline: When she decides to have sex with her boyfriend for the first time, the condom breaks. (Condoms are the Chekhovian gun of romantic comedies: If you see a condom in a scene, you can be sure it's going to break.) All of this is far too tedious—and far too heavy—to deliver on the promise of a fun summer chick flick about mystical pants.