A: Cow tipping? Why, it's udderly impossible to tip a cow! Cow tipping is as much a myth as the elusive "snipe hunt" (if you don't know, don't ask). If your friend from Iowa has been regaling you with high school tales of drinking brew and tipping "moo"--well, he's feeding you a bunch of bull. Cows almost always sleep lying down. Even on the rare occasion they sleep on their feet, you'd still need the Green Bay Packers' entire defensive line to bum-rush a bovine. They have a lower center of gravity than a Hummer. Stick with other, more attainable, baaaaarnyard pursuits.
Q: I OWE A BOOKIE A LOT OF MONEY. HOW CAN I WELCH ON THE BET?
A: Whoops! Someone dug himself a hole--or, should we say "grave"? Do you owe more than your life's worth? If you answered "yes"... well, problem solved! Don't worry about it. Just wait 'til Guido tracks you down, and until then, enjoy your final days. However, if you value your life, you have some hard thinking (or running) to do.
Unlike restaurants that may let you wash dishes to pay for dinner, you can bet Guido won't be too thrilled with your offer to work off your debts by washing his car. If you're a gambling man--and it sounds like you are--you can try the old "Hail Mary double-or-nothing" wager. Sure, this may put you deeper into the hole--but think of it this way: You can't be any more dead than dead, right? It's not like you can be doubly dead! Good luck, and always bet on black!
Q: I´M TRYING TO GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE, BUT MY GRADES AREN´T SO HOT. WHAT CAN I DO?
A: Easy! Lie and call yourself a "minority." That little box on your admissions form is your portal to a better future. Yes, your forefathers had slaves, rounded up the Injuns, and tossed around racial epithets--but why should you pay for your great-grandpappy's sins?
Lie. That's always the answer. Invest in a spray-on tan, and call yourself a "Pacific Islander." Change your middle name to "Hopping Crow" or "Dances with X-Box" and call yourself "Native American." Remember it's only discrimination when you're the one being discriminated against! Good luck, college boy!
Q: MY EX-GIRLFRIEND STARTED SEEING A NEW GUY. I WANT TO PLAY A LITTLE PRANK AND REMOVE THE ENGINE FROM HIS BELOVED PICK-UP TRUCK. ADVICE?
A: Maybe it's you who doesn't have enough under the hood, buddy boy! Anyhoo, removing the engine from a new boyfriend's truck is a classic get-back prank. Have you also thought about snipping the brakes? That's a knee-slapper! But here's how you dump an engine: You need about 30 minutes of uninterrupted time. Try 4 am, while he's inside overhauling your ex-girlfriend's gearbox! Wiggle a screwdriver inside the grill and pop the hood's latch. You'll need a flashlight and a power ratchet kit. Hit all of the screws. You won't need to actually lift out the engine. Just leave it loose on the engine block. Then on the first speed bump--WHOOPSY! It'll be a bigger surprise than the time you gave your ex-girlfriend herpes.
But remember: you'll probably be first on the list of suspects. Make sure you have a good alibi--like maybe a new girlfriend?