Mary Contrary

WHEN EXACTLY did Portland become a sprawling scare house, unrecognizable to even the oldest Portland witches and wizards? Well, RIGHT WHEN ALL YOU MONSTERS GOT HERE, of course!

Look. It's okay that you've come here to scare. This city is a magnet for the young and fanged. And (DUH), you're not actually sorry for being a creature. Monstering is a fun, carefree lifestyle that's perfectly acceptable in Portland, and it's even encouraged. So don't apologize for being you, or for being here! However, try to avoid these transgressive trends of terror that may irritate those around you. It's the polite thing to do when one of Oregon's native skeletons gets all fired up about how kids are more scared of the housing crisis than an animated pile of walking bones.

DON'T brag about being the new monster in town. No one needs to know when you started lurking under beds in their neighborhood.

If you're a monster from Oregon, DO make that clear from the start. "I know I'm a new monster to Portland, but I'm a Sasquatch born and raised in the Siskiyou National Forest," is a get-out-of-jail-free card.

DON'T carry an umbrella.

TAKE that Google Glass off, Cyclops! That's just dangerous!

DON'T talk about how cheap rent is here compared to your old Transylvanian castle.

DON'T tell anyone you've been featured on Grimm.

DON'T put your backpack in the seat next to you on the bus.

QUIT swimming in the Willamette. We're trying to keep it clean.

DON'T order brains at the Lovecraft. It's not on the menu. Do you want a Rainier instead?

DON'T destroy Burnside 26. We don't like it, either—but tipping over buildings just seems super unnecessary.

DO move here to contribute to the creepy-crawliness that is Portland.

DON'T be obsessed with being different—be obsessed with being bigger and badder. Together we can scare the shit out of your new city.