In light of Wordstock's new adults-only area, here's a relevant excerpt from How to Be a Person, a new advice book from the hilarious and all-too-experienced writers at Seattle alt-weekly The Stranger. Lindy West, Christopher Frizzelle, and Bethany Jean Clement will be presenting their advice in person at Wordstock (Sunday, 11 am); plus, on Saturday, Frizzelle and Clement will go head-to-head against the Mercury's Alison Hallett and Bobby Roberts at "When We Were Young and Dumb," a competitive storytelling show/Wordstock afterparty with drink specials for Wordstock attendees. (Jack London Bar, 529 SW 4th, Sat Oct 13, 8 pm, free)
How to Get with a Girl if You Are a Boy
Here's the main thing: Don't be creepy. Girls can smell your weird, insecure, predatory creepin' from a mile away (hint: It smells like DiGiorno and Axe body spray!). Groom yourself, don't try too hard, don't use pick-up lines, don't stare, and try to visibly have fun. People (women are people!) like to be around people who are fun. Don't be too aggressive, but don't be too timid. Most importantly, talk to women like they are humans with interests and lives and things to say, not just fleshy collections of holes that you would like to put your penis into. Oh, and please don't wear sandals. No one wants to look at your weird toes.
How to Get with a Boy if You Are a Girl
First of all, how high are your standards? Do you exist? A lot of men will sleep with you based solely on that. Unfortunately, many of those men are hoboes. If you're trying to bag some landed gentry (or at least a renter), here's what's up: Put on some makeup (not too much). Show some skin (not too much). Find someone who can consistently cut your hair in a flattering way. Before you go out, listen to the dirtiest rap music you can find. Leave the house. Smile a lot. Convince yourself that if you were a man, you would definitely want to have sex with you. Believe it. Then project that confidence. Don't be annoying. Don't be desperate. Say interesting things but don't pander. Have fun. Congrats! Penis in vagina!
How to Get with a Gay/Lesbian if You Are a Gay/Lesbian
Oh, it's all the same as for the straights—have good hygiene, be an interesting person, don't talk with your mouth full. The key difference for gay people is that you have to come out of the closet before anything else: People who are out are much healthier and happier (and thus more datable) than people who are closeted. If you're a gay man, being in the closet will force you into a never-ending spiral of secrecy and stress and sex in bathrooms. If you're a lesbian, you'll have the spiral of secrecy and stress without the sex in bathrooms. For the love of god, come out of the closet already, make an account on a gay dating site, join a club or get a hobby that will force you to interact with other gay peers, and if you're old enough, hit the bars. The gay rights movement started in a bar, after all.