How to... SMOKE DRUGS 

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It's back to school season, and you know what that means: Super easy access to drugs! If you've made it to college and you're prepared for life in Portland, you probably don't need an introduction to the substance this state built its house on: marijuana. The only thing you need to know, if you are planning on mixing pot with school, is how weed effects you.

Tend to get super paranoid? Avoid classes in small rooms where you might have to answer questions or interface directly with your professor, because you know what? They can tell. Does it make you sleepy? Forget trying to get any reading done. Horny? Save that shit for the student union. Now just puff, puff, pass, and you'll (probably) be fine.

Other drugs, on the other hand, are never suited to scholastics. These include mushrooms, acid, MDMA/ecstasy, bath salts, whippits, heroin, cocaine, meth, and anything else that could potentially cause you to eat a stranger's face off. Yes, even in art class. Worst case scenario, you will permanently ruin your life; best case scenario, you will ruin your drug experience.

The most relevant, and potentially grade-enhancing, family of drugs for productive students are "uppers," but every upper is different. Again, they're not the best for going to class, but they can be amazing for writing papers when you're on deadline, kind of desperate, and just need to turn in something. They completely eliminate the distractions of food and sleep, and once you are settled into a nice groove you will expound the hell out of some world history/literature/psychobiology. Ideally you can find another student who will sell you something they've been prescribed—don't mess with street drugs or anything that comes in powder form, because strength and purity can vary wildly, and your education is on the line! Pills are easier to predict, measure, and control. Just take baby steps. Try a little, see how you feel, then add more as needed. Adderall, Ritalin (snort that shit!), and the rest of their amphetamine/methylphenidate ilk work great, and although it's a little outdated, if you can find it, Dexedrine is pretty much the holy grail.

Just do yourself one other favor: Don't bother rereading your paper after you've sobered up and are ready to turn it in. It's too late anyway, and besides, I'm sure it's brilliant.

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