Why hasn't anyone in the Middle East called Adam Sandler? Do they not know what a treasure trove he is? The man's honesty, thoughtfulness, and intelligence could make minute's work of their age-old squabble. Sandler's newest film, You Don't Mess with the Zohan is a think piece that would make all those years of strife melt away with two very easy and humane answers to all the rock throwing, bombings, and death: hummus and dick jokes, duh!
Zohan (Sandler) is a top Israeli commando who is tired of his life in the military. During an epic ping-pong battle with his arch nemesis, The Phantom (John Turturro), Zohan fakes his own death in order to pursue his dream of becoming a hairstylist in New York. With Zohan's social skills being about as honed as... well, Adam Sandler's, getting a job is a bit difficult. But Zohan attains a certain amount of success, mostly by cutting old ladies' hair and boning them afterward. (Concerning the name Zohan: I'm pretty sure it was an elaborate gag setup so that a woman could call the crotch prosthetic-packing Sandler, "Zohard." Droll, indeed.)
You Don't Mess with the Zohan is standard Sandler fare—juvenile, retarded, and even funny at times. The strongest jokes were sight gags involving cruelty to animals—like Zohan and his Israeli pal playing hacky sack with a cat. PETA might not be smiling, but then again, neither was I after the umpteenth hummus joke in which Zohan brushes his teeth with hummus, his father creams his coffee with hummus, or the conflict between Palestinian and Israeli neighbors is solved with a HUGE vat of hummus—it makes me feel bad for what progress hummus had made in the hearts and minds of Midwestern Americans. I do not, however, feel sorry for Sandler. Him—I feel a little mad at.