"PORN?! BUT THAT'S what the internet is for!"
Indeed, that is what the internet is for. But the HUMP! Film Festival isn't about honing in on the online videos that cater to your specific proclivities. It's bigger than that.
Every year HUMP! (helmed by Savage Love columnist Dan Savage) puts out the call to sex-havers everywhere to submit a homegrown, amateur porn film depicting whatever they're into (barring poop, kids, and animals, of course). The result is an incredibly diverse representation of human sexuality in all its straight, gay, trans, kinky, funny, pissy, painful, and pretty forms. (And then it goes away, allowing the filmmakers to go back to their normal lives, thanks to the festival's strict privacy and security policies.)
That diversity is also reflected in HUMP!'s audiences, making for a unique theater experience where you get to peek at proclivities you might not otherwise encounter, while the person sitting next to you might be seeing your everyday kind of sex for the very first time. In a world where fear and ignorance breed hatred, HUMP!'s demystifying inclusivity is on the frontline of deflecting destructive alienation. (You also might surprise yourself by getting turned on by something unexpected.)
And, like the best film festivals, it's also fun, thought provoking, and often hilarious! Because these are amateur films, a lot of what you'll be seeing are actual couples, or people acting out of an honest lust for each other rather than a paycheck. (Each year we suggest props that identify films that have been made just for HUMP! One of this year's props is a copy of Mike Huckabee's God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy—see if you can count them all!) And speaking of money, the best HUMP! films don't go unrewarded: As an audience member, you have the opportunity to vote for your favorite films in different categories (kink, humor, sex, best in show), and the winners will walk away with hundreds, even thousands in cash prizes. Who knows? You might even consider throwing your own ass in the ring for next year!
Screenings for the 2015 festival are filling up fast, so head to portlandmercury.com/hump to nab your tickets now. In the meantime, here's a preview of what you'll see.
It's story time, HUMP!-style! We don't expect you to listen to anything Mike Huckabee has to say, and if your only exposure to his hateful written thoughts comes via this... er... reading, you're doing pretty well in our book. Here we have a lovely young woman presenting an excerpt of God, Guns..., and while she does a wonderful job with the delivery, one can't help but feel like something might be distracting her from the words on the page. What on earth could it be?!
If you've been meaning to do some baking, look no further than this mood-lit tutorial, in which a straight couple with smokin' bods crack some eggs, dust some flour, and generally make a hot, tasty mess of everything.
Hotels and Haircuts
Ah, the life of a hairstylist. One of the perks of this career is the potential for travel—there are techniques to learn, product lines to test, fashion shows, films, and photo shoots. There are also hotel rooms to lavish with orgiastic fuckery, apparently. After all, someone paid for this trip, and they'd better get their money's worth.
If you can dream up a hobby, there's someone out there who's into it. Here's a humorous character study of a guy who collects a particular substance, carefully storing specimens in jars throughout his house. There are quite a few contributions from celebrities, and it makes for a very impressive collection, indeed. Nobody appreciates his dedication more than his girlfriend!
Art Primo: Dick & Pussy
The name of this one might be a bit blunt, but what you'll find is a sizzling afternoon of beautifully shot sex between a man and a woman who know what they're doing—meaning they know how to take turns and play fair.
Not everyone's father taught them how to be a man, you know. And for some of those born outside the cis world, embracing manhood is sometimes a complicated, multi-step process. With a truly refreshing, generous display of candor, men share how they came to truly inhabit their physical selves. (Shockingly, blowjobs help.)
Let's Try to Fuck
In a film that could've saved your sex-ed teacher mega time, our young protagonist Billy goes on a sexual journey of self-discovery. Who will he meet? Who will he fuck? It's a big world out there!
One truth the HUMP! festival reliably reveals about the Pacific Northwesterners who contribute the bulk of the festival's submissions: We love the woods, and we're out there doing more than just hiking with our dogs and foraging for mushrooms. Especially at night, when sometimes there are animal masks and naked people and... copious drool in them thar woods!
Porn Star of the Year
Not just anyone can be a professional porn star, you know. It takes a certain personality—a certain ego and flair for the dramatic. A skilled set of genitals and a great "fuck me" stare will get you everywhere in life. Let the Porn Star of the Year show you how.
If you and your other half are thinking about bringing a third person into your sex life, it's important to talk about it! Be sure to sort out your feelings and do everything you can to reassure each other of your security in the relationship. Like, before there's a naked stranger in your bedroom.
A private dick takes on a real hard case in this black-and-white noir film featuring rainy nights and shady dames. Hopefully everything comes out okay.
Look, Grindr can be a lot of fun, but sometimes it can wear a guy down, you know? There are a lot of phonies out there, and not everyone is kind. You've got to take it for what it is, man, and not let the lack of emotional connection get you down. Maybe head out to the woods and take a nice self-reflective hike or something? I dunno.
It Kind of Feels Like...
You know when you take a normal human activity out of context it can kind of seem like a completely different kind of normal human activity? This is kind of like that.
Unicorn in the Castle
Look, it's just not a proper HUMP! festival without one film that makes all the non-kinky people in the house say, "OMG." This one's the one. You might want to grab yourself a cold beer first. Things get a little singe-y.
Orgies Happening Tonight
Ever notice how the biggest bullies are always the ones with something to hide? The protagonist in this tale of a TGIF free-for-all finds that out in a big way when he casually attends an orgy after a long week at the office... as one does.
Two Boys and Some Rope
The title says it all, don't it? Well, part of it, anyway. The rope-curious in the audience will have the opportunity to see an exquisite little job at work, tested at various angles, with the additional guest appearance of a blindfold and some jaunty blue socks!
I never considered a game of Pachisi to be foreplay, but hey, maybe I'm doing it wrong.
I Fist a Grrrl
I don't know what you think is going on at parties in Tennessee these days, but I'd wager your best guess isn't half as much fun as this submission's depicted reality. Eat your heart out, Katy Perry.
Sex and danger... like peanut butter and chocolate? I guess it depends who you're rolling with. In this case that'd be a femme fatale in a fast car on a dark night in a filthy city.
A fun-loving antidote to some of the boner-killing gender issues that have popped up in the gaming community. Except this film is about a million times sexier than the previous sentence, and comes from a returning filmmaking team who've been crowd favorites in HUMP!'s past.
HUMP! may be dominated by amateur porn stars, but this film stars someone the audience may recognize from the professional porn world. Plus, the al fresco antics on display will take you back to the warmer days of recent history.
An original composition from an unblinking theatrical genius! This rousing number will ensure your HUMP! experience ends on a high note! Now try not to slip on any dicks on your way out (and good luck getting this song out of your head).