Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the Inventers of iOS 7—GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF! I want to draw a penis on your face after you pass out drunk. I want to push you in front of a big-ass mud puddle as a bus goes by. I want to pay a stranger to follow you and make you systematically late for every fucking single thing you do, including taking a shit. I want to make a Craigslist post and add your phone number, so people will call you, because you and he/she have the same disgusting fetish. I want to let loose 100 spiders in the front seat of your car. I want to whore out your work email to porn sites and let the spam roll in. I want to send your pastor, priest, reverend, or preacher an email from your account, asking them what's the best way to tell your wife, her sister, and her brother that you want to have sexual encounters with all of them to strengthen your family bond. Because all of that will not compare to how much hate I have for you, for tricking me into downloading this piece of software update.—Anonymous