Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear would-be eco-terrorists slashing tires in Northeast Portland—Did you know that it takes seven gallons of oil to make the average car tire? More to make the larger SUV and truck tires you specifically target. For every tire you send to the dump, another needs to be purchased to replace it, and that's another seven gallons of oil. You've hit over 300 vehicles now. Let's say you slash two tires on each vehicle—that's 8,400 gallons of oil, enough to fill a tanker truck, with a value of about $20,000. Additionally, all your victims are going to replace their tires at an average of $150 per tire. That's $90,000 going to Goodyear and other tire companies. To recap: You've sent 15,000 pounds of waste to landfill in the form of toxic rubber. You've given $10,000 to the oil industry for the oil to create 600 replacement tires. You've given $90,000 to the tire industry itself for said tires. You've robbed 300 people of their hard-earned money by being completely pretentious, arrogant assholes, and nobody stopped driving their SUV as a result. Thanks, but I don't think the planet needs any more of your help.—Anonymous