Illustration by Kalah Allen

Hey Portland drivers: I have no real issue with parallel parkers backing up, and I will gladly wait for you until the traffic lane is clear, but that patience is limited, and you need to make your parking effort count. When you are such a pathetic and unskilled vehicle operator that your first attempt leaves your car at a 45-degree angle with your back wheel on the curb and over half a car length to the next parked car, you basically take a shit on orderly society if you make any sort of move to re-enter the traffic lane(s) while other vehicles are present. Do the right thing and hang your head in shame, and wait until the coast is clear so you can do the 10-point-turn parallel parking maneuver that seems par for the course around this town. Better yet, admit your failure and find a surface lot, or if your botched parking attempt was to enable you to visit a hip eatery, go head out to the nearest Burgerville. Their drive-throughs are one way, and I think even you lot of uncoordinated clods could navigate them.—Anonymous