Illustration by Kalah Allen

Smug, CrossFit gym-going jerk: There I was, in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's car, peeling myself a hard-boiled egg to eat for breakfast on the way to work. I threw a piece of eggshell out the window while waiting for the light to change in front of your evidently holy place of unsafe workout practices, when I was suddenly surprised to find a person standing right next to me outside the car, and even more surprised when you threw my eggshell in my lap, saying, "You should really find a garbage can for that." REALLY? Should I? For that biodegradable piece of calcium? I have a better idea: You should really find different ways to exercise your lack of power in this world. You should really stand up to environmental injustices that actually matter. CrossFit not enough for you? I'm sorry you're so unhappy that you felt the need to be a cowardly aggressor to a 5' tall woman. I hope you sprain your knee doing your bullshit exercise routine and get fat when you can't work out, jackass.—Anonymous